How I woke : late morning reflections.

It was interesting to me how I woke at 4 am able to breathe deep breaths in after having such a busy day yesterday, managing my anxiety and also having my sister over for dinner on Friday night.. I find when my sister comes I do get anxious as so much of her own energy has been shut down by her meds.. I did ask her when she last saw her psychiatrist and it was two weeks ago, the doctor changed her meds and she has a terribly dry mouth and drank about 3 glasses of water while here, she also told me she has no appetite and struggles to eat.. For me when she comes I feel anxious and on edge in a way that I do not when I am alone, I fear her disapproval but she was actually very complimentary about my new garden ‘wall’. The only thing that hurt a little was after she was drying up (and she has to dry and put everything away as when we grew up we were never allowed to leave any dishes our, or any clothing lying around) she said to me “you have a lot of STUFF” Well I love my nicknacks and little items of beauty I collect, post cards, candle holders, butterflies, ornaments and presents I have been given by friends. I also have lots of books lying around. I showed her two new plants I bought and the other ‘stuff’ well its bits of china ware and lots of plastic containers of different sizes to store stuff in the fridge and freezer.. I just let the comment go past..

She also finds it hard with Jasper he jumps up and is so enthusiastic with her and vocal but I watched her body tense and pull away from him a number of times.. later when we came inside after sitting outside to have dinner he actually climbed on the couch and sat right next to her.. He seems to love her and even to have sensed that she needed his soothing presence at least that is what I communicated to him this morning.

Anyway I woke at 4 am able to breathe but then thinking of my sister I sensed how much of Dad she has in her.. Dad was the quiet and gentle one even if he came down hard in a patriarchal way at times especially with my older sister and I .. Mum was more full of life and a lot of anger which I now feel was more a mix of abandonment anxiety and grief that came outside ways. I listened then to one of my favorite late 70s songs from Bread Make It With You, which takes me so powerfully back to our Mugga Way house and the later years of my Dad’s life and all of this grief just poured out of me.. I was sobbing my heart out..

I was thinking sadly too of the way my sister’s hands always shake with the force of the pent up emotion the drugs numb out.. Her shrink was not even available to talk to after 4 pm on Thursday and she is not reacting well to this medication. These way these guys operate bugs me, we need someone who is there most of the time if we have complex trauma.. its just not good enough for then to go AWOL FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME AND A THERAPIST WITH 30 YEARS EXPERIENCE TOLD ME THIS.. My therapist always is there when I turn up for session, she greets me at the door and on the way out she waves me down the stairs.. this kind of constant emotional availability is so important when we have attachment bonding issues. For my sister to only have this minimum level of care shits me. makes me want to take a gun to her psychiatrist’s head.. the same one that recommended shock treatment.. Where the hell do they get off!!!.. I really wish she would find a good therapist as she knows deep down her meds have not been working for her for some time and she cannot even cry… it really is wrong on so many levels.. I wish my sister could take her power back.

I am so happy today.. Jasper and I got out to do the Dairy Hill walk that overlooks the whole of Canberra by 10.30, we then went to Manuka which is where my family had businesses for many years and sat outside at the milk bar and I had a coffee while Jasper eyed off the surrounding customers bacon and egg with envy… I shed a few tears again reading my new novel Postscript, the follow up to P S I Love You that covers a lot about grief and emotions..

We are back home now and I am making a yummy lunch.. My new fridge it great its not spoiling my food and as Kat said I AM FINALLY GIVING MYSELF ALL THE STUFF I NEED..THAT MY OLDER SISTER JUDY WAS DENIED.. MY BROTHER DECIDED TO TAKE HER OFF LIFE SUPPORT.. maybe she is free now but I still feel she was killed off.. the anniversary is coming up in just over a month.. Judy died on Easter Sunday 2014. I am moving through barriers with Scott too to trust.. its big work for me. I protect myself in all kinds of ways and some protection is necessary.. it’s just when the protection becomes a blockage to growth I have to be careful.. its important to stay in tune with myself all of the time to try and get a better handle on when it is acting in way to block my life from moving forward in trust, surrender and love.