Precarious and unstable

I am being pushed right out of my comfort zone right now. Thr old fence came down last Tuesday and its an involved process with my tradesman Scott getting the new vertical reo mesh garden put up. It looks all a bit makeshift at present so I am just crossing my fingers it will turn out well and stand up to the elements.

In the midst of this I paid out money for a new fridge as my old one isn’t keeping food fresh and I acquired it with the property in 2012 it must have been about 7 yrs old at that stage. My television is so old too so I made a deal to get both at a good price..never top.of the line as I can’t afford that due to my brother still withholding my sister’s and my inheritance.

On top of this Scott wants the final money so he can get free before being deployed to Iraq. It trust its all kosher at this point but to help will take me right down to the wire again and it makes me feel resentful. It’s only a loan. His own account was frozen in 2018. I try to be positive…to have faith the Universe is backing me. Would God have bought me this far to hurt me again? I know my attitude to it all can either make or break me. Sometimes just pushing on solo..warding off changes due to fear of change and staying immobilised doesn’t bring us new energy or new life.

At this point I’m trying to have faith..to see myself as blessed but I worry I an not stable enough to make good choices..the voice of fear gets into my ear. I felt stronger yesterday for some reason…yesterday afternoon I just lost my way to faith. The battle between fear and faith, trust and expectation of loss, betrayal and disappointment is huge. Please keep me in your prayers. Maybe this is,all about knowing I am strong enough to endure what ever comes next. Even if things fail I will survive and the love of the Universe will hold me and keep me safe.