Oceanic : a beautiful mess

This shift of Venus and the Sun into Pisces over the past few days has put me solidly back in the confusing oceanic realm and when both planets touch base with my natal Chiron Pluto opposition I reach depths of longing and grief that rise and fall with such confusion that are most probably not only personal but collective…its like an ocean storm blows up internally but if I let it ride out, it does pass in time.. The helping/sacrifice theme is coming up again too, the fact that so often I seem to be surrounded by people in need of help or who are suffering, maybe they sense some strength or light in me and draw close, maybe I am attracting them due to my own issues, I am never sure which.. I only know its a pattern I cannot escape and seems to be fated in some way and Carl Jung often said it is useless to fight our fate, in some way if we surrender and co-operate and open fully to the process we can in some way emerge and incorporate and transform it and then things go better for us.

I had a long involved dream last night in it I was being helped by an outside force to fight off an attacker, the person organised to tape a knife on a wall facing me, away from the attacker so I could use it should I get into difficulties.. At times its hard for me to cut myself away from messy situations.. And then there is the less fixed side of me that says there can be beauty in mess, that creativity and new things often come out of chaos or outside of the forms and strategies we use to control or try and maintain an illusion of control over outside circumstances. I felt very ambivalent about using the knife in the dream

One of my favorite songs lately is Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz….

I am just watching a US series Love is Blind on Netflix and its interesting to see how for some people judgement blocks the growth or possibility of love.. the entering into the complex mystery of other person’s heart and soul. Jason’s song tells us how it can be if a partner accepts this part of another. When he speaks of wounds it brings to mind my Chiron in Pisces.. I have had several Piscean boyfriends and it was hard for them to stick by me when I was vulnerable or hurting…it was also probably hard for me to accept that at times I was.

That vulnerability is opening up deep inside me lately… Sometimes I have to make difficult choices not knowing what the outcome will be.. Often I do not know.. I cannot just ‘think’ my way by logic into the answer that is going to be the best for my own or another person’s spiritual or emotional growth at that time. Anyway I just let the tears fall as I put petrol into my car this morning.. I went out without Jasper after having a big panic attack after doing some gardening and getting hammered by the inner critic again. Sometimes my mind can be such an enemy to me.