Off kilter

As I look back I see so much that was off kilter in my life.. I was thinking on the way home from therapy particularly about my Mum, how lonely it must have been for her after Dad died.. She pushed me to go overseas (thinking that was the right thing to do), she gave up work and she tried to be with my brother but his wife didnt like her going to the office he and Dad used to share… she told someone Mum should ‘stand on her own two feet!’ poor Mum, she lost her own father at 7.. She would lose her own Mum two and a half years after Dad. (I was also overseas when Nana passed and my cousin told me she held on hoping for me to show!) ,,, so so much distance due to grief in our family.

One thing my brother did was push Mum to come and visit my friend Sue and I in London where we were living and working and sharing with another family there the year of my Dad’s death 1985.. Luckily their Mum was there too, June and she and Mum got to be friends. but I do feel for Mum, that run down flat would have been so different to what she was used to.. In time we went to Holland together to see part of Dad’s family.. and then toured on through France and Italy… I was just remembering all of that this afternoon. Mum is gone now but I do feel her in spirit.. I am aware how sad the loss of Mum was for my sister too who became hospitalized about 4 times following Mum’s death.. I said to Kat today in therapy that I think my sister assumed a husband or fathering figure for Mum after Dad died.. I know those two were closer as Sue didn’t rebel as much as I did and she was born when Mum was 29 years old, they also worked together for a number of years, but often I feel my sister was also like the sibling my own Mum (who was an only child) longed for.

Thank God for my therapy today.. We shared alot about how hard it is to grieve in this culture.. Kat was saying how hard it was the family rejecting me when I was grieving not only Jonathan but Dad and my sister too after I suffered the head injury in Cambridge.. they drove me to the station when I went to the Ashram at Glastonbury in June 2005 that place was so topsy turvy with confused grieving people too and they would not allow any meat or cooked food, in time they saw that was not really a healthy way of things… There was just far too much aestheticism in that place.

It was some kind of miracle to survive all of this.. Jonathan visited Glastonbury in October 2005 to tell me he was moving on with a new partner (too scared to be alone which is fair enough) but that never lasted for him, I just do not think he ever fully addressed the grief over his own father and it was probably well meant when he told me I would be better off going home after the crash, just that it was still not going to be very possible for us all to embrace each other in unresolved grief. Never the less I am grateful for the meals my two sisters, Mum and I shared and the movies we saw and for the visits to see my older sister in the care home before she died of lung complications in 2014. I am also glad for the times I did get to bond with her sons after that even if one told me he doesn’t want me in his life just over a year ago.. you just never stop loving family and wishing them well..at least I don’t. I’l always pray for my oldest nephew.

It is peaceful this afternoon. I bought two lovely plants at the little florist near Kat’s therapy rooms before coming home and got Jasper some chicken necks.. We havent had a walk today as I had chiropractic yesterday and it did throw me around a bit.. I will take him out soon.. I got the recycle bin out on time and put the cute little succulent I got into a pot on the outdoor table outside on my deck..

I am crying less tears lately in therapy.. I am grateful to know all the tears I cried had a deep meaning.. I understand why I got angry and Mum got angry when told after Judy died she would not want us to suffer or was in a better place.. possibly true as I was reading in James Van Praague’s book on The Power of Love this week that our earthly world vibrates at a much lower frequency than the spirit world which exists along side our own.. things are denser here and we are blinder to larger realities.. and yet its still a school of learning… There is freedom ‘on the other side’ or ‘in that other dimension’ and people get to learn lessons, they see where their lives may have missed the mark and they feel remorse for things they were blinded to in life…

I often have felt Mum and Dad apologizing or trying to draw close to express the love they found it hard to when alive…Not that Mum didn’t try, she really really did.. I remember it all now and I feel grateful, most of all I had them for as long as I did, 23 was young to lose my father and it hurt….but others lose fathers much younger… slowly I am making my peace with things.. I am also allowing the world to be a bit messy and crooked, God knows I am not in charge of life’s design and so now lately I try to find ways to enter the flow and suspend those expectations or fears that come out of past longing and fear. so I can be less rigid and feel more capable of opening to experience gratitude and joy FOR WHAT I DO HAVE. After all John Lennon said it so well when he said “life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.”