Crying

I just cried alot in therapy today. I noticed I wasn’t in my head as much reading posts and I wept listening to Ricky Lee Jones singing Saturday Afternoons in 1963 a song featured in the new Netflix series adapted from Kristin Hannah’s book Firefly Lane

I used to listen to the album Pirates all the time in my lonely years of active addiction living so far from home and family comfort while resident in Sydney from 1987 to 1993 when I met Jonathan and finally got sober, so that album would have seen me through my third broken relationship and two last terminations of pregnancy. The song Lucky Guy i shared in last nights poem also brings up that deep pool of loss. The expressed grief was also over being too darn scared to be a Mum.and over how sweet it was to hold little Huxley’s hand and help him walk safely on Saturday. Kat has been explaining a lot more about stages of childhood development with me today..I will share about that in another post later.

It felt good to sit quietly and let tears fall as something deep inside cracked open. I didn’t have to explain. Kat was fully present I FELT HER THERE EVEN IF THE GRIEF AT TIMES SEEMS TO TAKE ME AWAY OR OVER. I was not shamed and it all makes sense to me. Kat just said “let it all wash over you until its done” so I am.. I will.

And I am grateful most of all to let my body just surrender to feeling and not block the process with intellectualising. After all Mercury is exactly square Neptune in Scorpio today at 13 degrees. Both my Dad and ex husband were born on the 13th of the month. And my sister was often put in room 13 at the psyche facility. Ive cried a lot in that room too over the years and years.

This morning as I felt a fundamental shift in the way body negotiates the mornings I sensed that grief continues to live deep inside me in a well..possibly that deep dark pit I had to mine with a single solitary silver cup un the post separation 2004 dream prior to my second head injury…it lies dormant at times and I enter and embrace happiness.. I am not always in my grief but there is a part of my soul touched by grief which rises up. Don’t quote me any philosophy… surrendering really is bringing me so much peace and acceptance of everything lately.. Its okay to feel sad but its not the whole of me this sadness.. just a fundamental part of my past experience.