A private inner space.

Not being allowed a sense of boundaries as a child can be so damaging.. Feeling that we cannot keep anything private from a parent is hard and having that inner reality invaded by being told we should not or do not think/feel/wish/perceive as we do leaves us very confused..

It is an issue that came up today in therapy as at the moment I am needing to keep some financial things private and I am going through a lot of guilt for not revealing everything to someone I know. Kat told me in therapy today that it is only around the age of 4 or 5 a child learns to lie or to keep a secret.. before that they have a sense of parents as all seeing and all knowing and they do not have a sense of their own mind. To be honest, for some of us with unpredictable or mixed up parenting having or lacking an accurate sense of our own mind, thoughts and feelings or being confused about what we really think/feel/need perceive can carry on well into adulthood, especially for those of us who suffered from gaslighting.

Kat said its actually a sign of good development to be able to keep a private inner space, not to have to share everything with everyone.. And I know the subject of oversharing is one that I have had problems with in my own life.. Also my Mum would often invade our personal boundaries.. She often read my journals or things I used to write..

As a young child I was writing a lot, I think as a sign there was no one much around to talk to after my older sister left when I was only 3 years old. I have a vivid memory of my Mum confronting me when I was in primary school as at that time I had a crush on a young boy Peter Woolridge.. I had written somewhere in one of my diaries.. “I love Peter Woolridge” when Mum found it she laughed at me and mocked me and told me i was too young to have any idea about love.. this invasion of boundaries would go on and often I was told I did not feel the way I felt or I was given enemas when I had a stomach ache from attachment hunger, I remember that most clearly as a vivid memory of the discomfort came up for me a few years back in therapy.

These days I am trying to learn its okay to keep secrets. To not tell everyone everything.. that does not mean its not okay to be vulnerable but it has to be in the right situation. Today’s session just made me realise how confused my mind has been and how mixed up my boundaries..

I was also crying over the fact I felt I had no control over what was being put into me and then anger or confusion about what was going on inside of me shamed or disrepresented (this all tallies with my Sun Mercury and Venus squares to natal Neptune in the sign that ruled my mother’s Sun Mercury and Saturn – Scorpio).

I still have to work really hard a lot of the time to figure out what I want or need and what is appropriate or not appropriate to tell. I am also learning its okay to put my financial needs first rather than help others who are in difficulty.. this is about self love, self value and self care.. knowing i am worthy to be taken care of and making sure I do that and not expect others to do it. At the age of 59 it feels rather late to be learning all of this but I guess its better late than never. It may continue to take me some time though to be able to clear up the anger and confusion.