It scared the hell out of me

Just sitting peacefully by the lake reading all my love texts exchanged with Scott recently and grateful I’m getting more and more detached from outcomes, knowing whatever happens I do have the capacity to cope. But I’ve also been contemplating when a huge effect that head injury had on me in 2005. It really did derail me for neatly 15 years. I was disoriented, overwhelmed and lost, thrown into an underworld land of mists and fog and ancestral and personal demons. Each morning I woke I was in that stunned place so far from support and home..unable to find my bearings, not knowing who to trust but helplessly needing to..such a terrible predicament to find yourself in 12,000 miles from home or anyone who who knew me apart from Jonathan and his Mum and they both wanted nothing to do with me anyway..

I have compassion for myself today even if actions I took contributed to the smash up. As a gesture of letting go I’ve offered to put on a celebration for my sister’s birthday next week. I don’t know if her family will accept but I made the offer. I am keeping my heart open even with all of my massive fears of rejection.

I feel myself letting go and moving on. I feel the love and universal support surrounding me even though no one is relying to messages…its all good. I’m in a good place…so I truly thank God for that even as I see how absolutely terrified of living and being alive the head injury made me. An injury others could neither see or ever fully understand the full impact of following that accident at 17..

I wonder why it is that at adolescence and then the age of 43 the way forward was blocked by such a major smash up.. I can only understand its up to me to make meaning from both the pain and the wreckage.. I am not as paralysed as I was. Am putting lots of energy into my garden and home, looking for new opportunities, maybe study or volunteering.. I will just open to the Universe.. I think Mercury moving retrograde for 9 more days will slowly reveal more to me.. It begins to square Neptune now and I noticed today that transiting Mars and transiting Mercury are squaring each other too.. Venus is part of that mix too as it is in Aquarius now.. Its a rare person with 7 planets in one sign like me..

At the moment transit wise Venus in Aquarius is also moving into square with Mars. We have five planets in Aquarius right now so its a time where I do feel in sync with energies and that transit to Neptune may reveal more of where dreams or ideals or illusions sometimes still dog me, possibly around my family? I just have a feeling there is still a lot of grief under the surface with me.. and in many ways I am still trying to reunite us all after so much family tragedy.. gardening today I just found tears falling down my cheeks sometimes it feels like my body just turns to water.. there has been so much to get through in my life… so much to forgive.