Topsy turvy : late afternoon update

I am really feeling tonight how unstable and rickety the foundations of my life have been until now.. It feels a little like walking on ground that could erupt or disappear from beneath my feet at any moment.. I have been getting these explosive spins and head bursts of energy today..there is a storm building here at the moment.. With the new El Nina weather system we just had about 5 days of solid rain, that stopped late Saturday which was a relief because the ground was so waterlogged but more feels to be on the way..

I cobbled together a meal from left overs, half a piece of steak, some mince left over from bolognaise I made on Thursday that I have fashioned into a burger with onion, sweet chilli sauce and capsicum, I am roasting some sweet potato and have made a salad, Jasper has been fed, he got out earlier with Simon for a walk which gave me a break.

There is a feeling of the pre-birthday build up as well. I keep thinking of Mum on a hot summer afternoon not willing to stop bottling the plum jam even after she got the contractions and her waters broke .. When she finally got to the hospital I came through in a rush apparently.. Dad was present at that birth as he wasn’t for my older brother and sister.. I have had my parents on my mind a lot lately and I cried a lot last night holding some things of Mum’s left behind that were special to her at one time as I felt the love of my passed relatives all around me..

I really am safe here at home, everything is okay, my life has not panned out in any ordered fashion and God knows there has been a lot of grief but I feel hopeful for the coming year.. I miss Scott a lot on Mondays I never hear from him until Tuesday morning as the weekend is their busiest time.. I actually took down the blue Teddy he sent me on Valentines Day two years ago to give it a cuddle this morning.. I had him shoved up the back of my cupboard, he sent me this when he knew it did not look like we were going to be meeting any time soon in 2019.. two years on and we still aren’t meeting unless there is some kind of miracle..The teddy will have to be my compensation for now.. Wow we just had a big burst of thunder I love this kind of weather…there is something so magnetic and super charged about a threatening storm..almost as if the weather Gods are rumbling around (or moving heavy furniture.. lol )..

All in all its been a good day. I cried a lot and felt topsy turvy after coming home, but I seem to be a little less oppositional to my deeper emotions these days.. I just wanted to post a late afternoon up date. More thunder.. lets hope the rain isn’t going to stop me barbecuing my steak. Sending love to anyone reading this today. you are in my thoughts.. I hope you had (or have) a Happy peaceful Monday.