More in the truth

Im feeling calmer today. Getting help from my brother meant so much yesterday. It made me realise anger covers need and vulnerability for me and its safe to feel and recognise the depths of it.

Jasper didn’t want to walk this morning..I spent loving time grooming and trimming his copious fur. Our groomer has gone AWOL again she finds Jasper ‘too sensitive ‘ at times that angered me a bit the second last time. In fact I have been thinking about numbing and desensitisation a lot lately. Especially reading comments from a follower so precious to me. Her parents responded to her sensitivity with blocking and logic. DAD DID THIS TO .MY BROTHER THROWING HIM IN THE DEEP END OF THE SWIMMUNG POOL TO TEACH HIM TO SWIM AND MAKING HIM SMOKE A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AT AGE 5 AFTER HE FOUND HE AND OUR GODPARENTS SON SMOKING BUTS DROPPED BY THE PELOPPAS OR INDONESIAN REBEL FIGHTERS OUTSUDE THEIR BUNGALOW IN INDONESIA IN 1949.

My niece once said to me “Dad will be rationalising things till the cows come home” comments he made a while ago to Mum and I before she died revealed he was also abused by the Christian brothers.

Compassion seems the only healing antidote for all of this pain and desensitisation. The worlds support in returning to thr level of our true deep feelings is often missing but its essential to find it within. The child in us contains our healing link to divinity wholesomeness and goodness. We shame the inner child so much in Western culture (eastern as well I guess but some eastern cultures at least stay closer to the feminine side of being and give place to fun and joy.) When our access to.our true feelings gets cut off we lose aspect to our creative spiritual fire we cant feel the lighter emotions by bypassing the heavier ones especially those we carry for other generations.

Today I’m up out and breathing. I digested breakfast with no attack. I didn’t force myself to walk as I listened to a deeper part of me that needed something else. To drive to the veggie markets be around people and write my blog by phone. I decided to do what I REALLY FELT LIKE DOING INSTEAD OF WHAT I THOUGHT I SHOULD. To me that feels like progress and today my heart feels softer as I pray for more revelations that help me release the crippling hold of self centred fear and misperception to enable me to see deeper into the heart of my brothers and sisters wounds as well as my own. I want compassion to replace anger while also recognising all the anger also was a cry for something I needed to notice most essential to my authenticity in order to cut free in a deeper more true way from the pain and suffering of recent frustrations.