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It hurt

It hurt

You left me alone in it

I had to deny the pain

So as not to upset you

That was selfish

It was unfeeling

And yet I blamed me too

When you refused to acknowledge the truth

So many years

Of trying to get you to see my pain

How could you

When you were numb to yours

Well I am not that confused

Lonely

Desperate little girr

Any more

The way you treated me was shit

Even worse was

The way I put up with it

Numbing it

Denying it

But no more because the truth is

The trauma hurt like hell

But your denial of it

Was the real killer!

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Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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6 thoughts on “It hurt”

  1. I relate to this so much. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot, because I often tell myself what did my parents really even do to hurt me. Neither ever sought me out to belittle or anything of that nature. I’ve always told myself, I’m being dramatic. But I’m starting to really understand it’s the being left alone with my emotions or pushed away because of them that was traumatic. It was the expression of my emotions being met with a dismissive “you’re fine” or being ignored or told I “shouldn’t feel that way” or lectured with logic that cut me so deeply. Trained me it feels to disconnect and treat my inner child the same way. And once that happened I largely lost touch with her myself.

    And just like you said I do see how disconnected from their inner child my parents are. They treat themselves as they treat me. I think my inner child has always and still largely makes them feel uncomfortable. Like it feels you, I have a torn feeling towards it all. I think in my point of healing now, I need to focus on myself and feel my pain, but my compassion for them is mixed it too. And I feel sad for them too. But also anger at how they treated me, and then judgment of myself for the anger. Such a very mixed up place. But I think it’s all part of the healing path we are on. 🌱❤️

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    1. I really think you are touching base with something so so deep. You made such jnoortant points in this. Shaming my inner child sadly comes naturally to me. And yes that comment about your inner child making them uncomfortable that rings so true as they were not able to connect to their own. So they rebuke ours.

      To me the most important words Jesus said were “unless you become as a little child you will not enter Heaven’ our entire rational logical adult heroic world rejects this part if us that so deeply connects us to nature depth and soul. Is it any wonder we are in such a mess right now?

      I deeply value your comments. Big hug..and much love to you. ❤💙❤

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      1. I absolutely love those words from Jesus. I do find my mind goes to them often. It does seem it is a struggle to hold onto who we were born as, and a struggle to reclaim it. But I think love pulls me to it, to my real self, though it’s hard for me to describe. For some reason though I suspect our inner child and the divine figure are connected. It’s hard to put into words for me right now. But feels important for me to share. I guess important because my critical inner parent does respect and love the divine figure, it’s the inner child it struggles to see clearly. But in moments it feels like my system catches a glimpse that the inner child and divine figure are connected. I feels it’s connected to what you said to how that deep part of us that is rejected is the part that connects us to nature and soul.

        I like to think humans are striving to a healthier more connected and happier way of living life. It’s just a messy slow struggle to get there. Which I can understand…..
        I’m hopeful.

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      2. So spot on..and Yes Yes Yes to the Inner Child / Divine inter cknnrction as well as that Child’s connection to on open hearted fearless love that in some deep way just implicitly ‘gets’ our interconnectedness with the Cosmos and everything and everyone else. When this connection is mixed up so many problems occur. The Divine Child …a beautiful real truth we can a touch deep inside once we recognise the blocks. You truly inspire me. 💙🦋

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