Ending an abusive relationship with ourselves.

Offering our total self loving kindness is the best step we can take to end a pattern of internalised persecution or abuse we absorbed growing and being rejected for certain parts of ourselves. I have just been watching a Buddhist video on five sense meditation.. I like the practice as it helps to engage the senses in our body, through eye movements, holding active points near our ears and also using a humming or vibrating sound.. and while I was watching the video the following prompt came up.

Engaging in a Buddhist practice is ending an abusive relationship with yourself.

The issue of self abuse came up again in therapy today.. I began to see what a hard time I had been giving myself over ‘mess’ which is nothing less than just the shambolic style of what life is when it unfolds naturally.. Kat made the comment that all of my conditioning seems to operate to consign me to a narrow box in which I was almost unable to breathe. I can see this with retrospect.. If I make any movements to get out of the box I punish myself and sometimes I am punished for calling attention to the box.. the box becomes particularly narrow and painful when I do not witness my true self and authentic reactions but judge them as they were judged in the past and continue to feel fear of being judged if I am real.

Kat also made the point today that too often in the therapy room I concentrate on reading my posts rather than being with her in the feelings, she said that due to the amount of rejection I have experience in my life, I almost come to expect it and then I keep my distance from others or I treat myself in a self rejecting way as a result. She mentioned that she had begun to see a change in this regard recently. I pause more between reading and let myself be with her and with the uprising of feeling. she pointed out that this has always felt very unsafe for me in the past.. That rang true.

The anti-dote to self abuse or self rejection is self compassion and self witnessing in allowing from the higher self.. It is also about allowing ourselves not to dissociate from the body and open even to the painful symptoms that may be calling for our attention… Self compassion lies in the ability to be with and witness in tenderness and openness the arising of all states while not judging them or splitting off… It is not something I am very good at but I have determined to make this my practice over the coming week… A quiet time in meditation helps me, just sitting or lying with nothing else going on and also connecting more with Jasper in the present moment, Jasper helps to bring me into present time which is where children and animals naturally live.. A place adults so often abandon.

I bought a book on animal communication a while back but I have not read it (this often happens).. It was interesting to read it today and know how telepathically connected our dogs can so often be to us.. According to research Pea Horsley quotes in the book dogs can pick up telepathically when an owner is heading home..

Jasper tends to seek out his own protected space if I spend too much time on technology.. At night I am switching of television and computers to be with him or just sit outside.. A lot of emotion flowed out when I allowed myself to do this last night.. It really was so nice just to allow myself to ‘be’ with myself and let those emotions out.. I didn’t even have to write them out, just be with them..taking some of them to therapy..This self compassion practice feels nurturing to me. It feels like just what is needed lately after a time where I have felt so much frustration over and with external influences.

I am understanding how alone my inner child felt with all of these feelings and that it is adult me that must be there now for that part of me.. She really does need the whole of my love, time and attention. all the things my parents and siblings could not give to me. When the critic starts hammering me I really need to protect her more.