Many years in the wilderness

Afternoon is a reflective time, its the time leading up to my birth when Mum was resisting going to hospital despite the birth pangs as she wanted to bottle the last of her plum jam. When I feel the holding in and the lack of allowing myself to be and also the ways I have not loved myself (really never learned to) a lot of tears fall. I think of the final breakup and how I would not allow myself to sit still to feel it, instead I ran off after yet another fight with my Mum and stayed in the wilderness in Sydney for another 6 months.

I have to keep remembering that all of that is my history now, not my present even if, at times the memories flood in along with the ongoing tied of grief and haunt me a little.. I am trying to teach myself to do two things: let go and relax. And trust a grief process has is own trajectory, one I am not in control of only in control of opening my heart and being fully to.

It was not lost on me seeing the movie Promising Woman how Cassie’s pain and hurt and need to find justice ended up destroying her.. It makes me question how much we fight and when its far far better for us to let things go..

I got triggered speaking to the accountant again about the disbursement of our inheritance.. It is over 3 years now and honestly if I did not keep ringing and pushing nothing would have been done, he was not direct, I cant remember the exact expressions he used.. I think it was ‘in process’ and then he let me know that the principle thing dragging the chain has been my older sister’s refusal to fucking front up, be an adult and take action on her side.. I actually screamed after getting off the phone though I know its not going to do my body any good at all. I will be keeping on it and I will keep pestering until its done, I don’t care if he thinks I am pushy or rude any more.. but then I also have to let go, the lack of support and recognition drives me to tears.. often.

Tonight I am letting go though.. I saw the chiropractor again and he did a lot of work with my skull it was very gentle and had to do with releasing pressure on the meninges that coat the brain.. It wasn’t good for my body seeing all the violence in those final scenes of the movie on Wednesday (I haven’t been sleeping well again, after seeing it). The movie I wanted to see was a lot more peaceful but to please my friend and make it easier for her I said I would see that movie.. things have to change.. being nice just seems to be becoming a real achilles heel for me and always ends up backfiring.. … I have to be stronger and stay closer to what my intuitive voice says.. it usually doesn’t get things wrong. And sad as I feel some nights i need to be grateful that really my emotional neglect wilderness needs are all behind me as long as I front up for myself and continue to excercise discrimination and practice self care.