on not flinching

Jasper and I have a safe little home now. I don’t have to put up with abuse from others, I can shut the door on what I don’t want and to be honest, lately I am seeing its been heroic to have borne my abuse and neglect and what a struggle it has been to affirm my own true inner emotional reality. Even when I write about it I won’t always be affirmed.. because some people will honestly not get it and that is okay too, because I am learning these days I do not need your approval or your affirmation as desperately as I used to and indeed that desperation was borne of the fact of how absent that kind of support was for me both growing up and in later years. It has been a long journey to find it. But I did not give up.

I thought a lot yesterday about being so upset with certain family members. I understood how long it has taken me to get the fact they do not get it and could not frankly even care less, because when all is said and done my feelings and who I am deeply inside does not matter to them, is not of interest at all. I question my self centredness in expectign it too, to be honest. But in the end it is just life, nothing personal… It was a struggle to come to terms with it, but that is what it takes to mature I guess.

Today on Dad’s anniversary I no longer have all of that deep grief around my father any more.. He was not an available person I could turn to for comfort, he was remote and there was an emptiness there that came from the fact he had run from his own family to make a better life.. For that perhaps I should be more grateful, that he provided and worked hard and so did my brother so that I could have a better life in the physical way and financial ways than he can.. But I still longed for that soft hug and for the loving eyes that saw me, as we all do.

I have shared in another post somewhere that my ex partner once turned to me in fury and said “I am not your teddy bear” I probably was needing comfort for something, possibly something deep inside my inner child that I would have been better to seek in therapy or with a close girlfriend (neither of which I had at the time.) He also used to tell me all the time his needs came first… Well maybe that was a lesson too. But in a weird case of synchronicity yesterday Scott told me he is my teddy bear and will always be there if I need to turn to him, but for some reason this triggered me, surely now as an adult it is up to me to comfort that inner child.. What I am noticing lately is that little one who still lives deep inside me needs ME she doesn’t need her sister or brother as much any more.. or even my nephew and his family.. This pain I carry is actually NOW MINE TO CARRY… AND I can carry it, it is my job to carry it.. I can share it with people but I must carry the feelings and work with them.. Guess its not rocket science really.

It was comforting last night to re-read the chapter Fear and Faith in Wayne Muller’s book Legacy Of The Heart : The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood. In that chapter he talks of how, those of us raised in hurtful homes come to carry all kinds of fears into the present which we project unknowingly on other people as well as on circumstances.. He speaks of how in healing we learn to face and hold these fears while working through past abandonment and pain. Slowly over time, we withdraw the fear charge through developing FAITH IN OUR ABILITY TO SURVIVE THE PAIN AND MOVE THROUGH IT, SHEDDING AND RELEASING IT AS NECESSARY.

This to me is the developing of resilience, it is the growing of inner loving adult parents inside, or connecting to those source figures of sustenance such as a loving God, Goddess, angels or Higher Power.. And in the rooms of recovery often we first meet that kind of force through hearing and sharing the stories and pain of others who not only survived but learned to thrive in a new way, a healing way.

Sadly yesterday I told Scott I don’t believe any man says to a woman he will be their teddy bear, that I felt it was fake.. this hurt him and I can understand why.. I then fell on my sword a bit.. but the thing is I know I have to be strong for me. Truth is I don’t need him in my life to heal me, but I do like connecting with him and want to be close to him, to share my life with him. To be with someone who listens.. I guess that is all any of us ever want… Also I have been there for him, when things are desperate there, when he could not turn to anyone else, when he needed help. I give because of what I have endured, my childhood pain made me a far deeper more complex person who developed a great deal of emotional insight and so yes, my painful childhood did give me a lot.. This also occurred to me this morning.. No way should I ever be shaming me I should be valuing what a good person I really truly am.

I am still learning about all of his healthy and unhealthy dependency stuff.. its just going to take some time to figure it all out, but all is well. I have the time.. I am so grateful to no longer feel as needing as I was of comfort from the outside.. Healing really does come from facing the degree of our own deep abandonment pain, rage, anger, fear, pain or hurt and not flinching..still being affirmed does tend to give our wounded spirit its healing wings. It is in the not flinching we learn to bear with it all.