I feel a bit like a bitch after posting my last post.. Who treats someone who is needy in such a cut off way. I just dont know. I just always know there was never a time in my life when there was any emotional fall back place, apart from therapy and by God I had to fight to have that.. In my marriage the therapy was disparaged and even my mother tried to tear it down until she came along to a session with me in 2012 and began to pour out some of her own pain.
Kat kept assuring me that whatever happened with Scott in the end would make me stronger.. At this point I dont think I am prepared to send more money to get him off. It seems harsh but lately I am realising being on my own is not the worst thing, in the end its self abandonment that sucks, its going to the wrong places to be seen that derails us, its not taking our own pain and feelings seriously enough that pulls us into poor bargains and when we had unavailable parents we attract unavailable partners or become them.
Anyways I am open to feedback on all of this.. Kat is on break until the 11th .. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Got out to the shops in the morning for a coffee, got a lovely new collection of poems from rupi kapur and then got home for a nice lunch before a storm broke and then Jasper and I relaxed before a lovely neighborhood walk around 5.30 as Simon took him out at 10 am… All in all things are good right now.. I am feeling stronger and glad I got through acknowledging the anger I felt lately.. I am not contacting any family who do not contact me any more this year, apart from my older sister’s two sons and one of the wives who really had my back last year.. the rest I am no longer going to bend my self out of shape trying to connect with any more..
Emerging From The Dark Night 
Confusion is such a difficult emotion. It leads to feelings of doubt even as one tries to move forward in being their for themselves.
I sense you do want to be there for Scott, however you feel your sense of what that looks like differs from his. I do not think you sound at all mean in only offering him what you want to, what you want to give free of any resentment. Offering more than that I think is ignoring your inner self, and that is why anger and frustration arises when you do give what he says to give not what you want to freely give. It sounds like you want to give open words, time, and love to him and receive that from him but often his list includes receiving money from you. That request alone is surprising to me, but that request continued over and over with no fruition of the promised trip home sets off alarm bells in my heart. It doesn’t feel right. I’d look deeper into this.
Your beautiful words and love are valuable on their own. You sharing them is courageous and a wonderful thing. I suspect you want them appreciated as number one in a relationship, and as enough if that is all you want to freely offer. And I think it is enough, it is a beautiful offering. Some people may disagree, and that is fine. We each know the wants and boundaries of our hearts in the present moment. And with that said, do that deep listening to your inner self I know you are so wonderfully good at, and listen to her wise words over mine. You have a wonderful heart, she is infinitely worthy of your care and love. ❤️
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True its the military at fault here, as the story is more complex and complicated than all I share here.. I know it appears sus but I can only trust. I agree I must nurture my own needs first. I told him this yesterday. He’s not continue until to put pressure on me over the money. As he told me yesterday my health comes first. And it does.
Thanks for all the affirmation.
Hope your New Year is unfolding beautifully. ❤
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Hope your New Years is unfolding beautifully as well. 💕
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I feel this year will be better than 2020.. I have hope.. x
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