I got Jasper and I out for a late long walk. I pushed us both but Jasper seemed happier for it.. Its just been so hard to get going lately. We followed the path by the lake.. I started to worry about keeping this anger going, about talking it all through with my nephew but I just felt so driven out of my head by it today I had to relieve the pressure some way.. I worry the anger and resentment might make me ill. I know I should not have to suffer for the sins of others and after all I chose to move into our families coast house after Jonathan left, to be honest I was so shattered I did not know what else to do..
My Mum and sister had been through grief too.. There was a big fight that first Christmas as Mum had my older sister and I for lunch and when she arrived she was in one of her nasty moods, she said something uncaring and I reacted, it didn’t end well.. It was after this all the trouble went down at the coast with my other sister and its all in the past anyway..
I have to keep remembering none of us handled feelings well. We all had alexithymia. I don’t want to keep carrying anger, hurt or hatred for the rest of my life.. I seem to be crying about it this afternoon. Maybe this is the process my angels were talking about in terms of holding the anger or mixed up painful feelings until they dissolve. And I am aware that often grief may take the form of anger, my therapist Kat always talks about how anger comes about for me when I feel put in a position where I have no power.
Its important for me write about it.. I make it very clear in my blog that I don’t have ultimate answers, I try to share my own understanding of things, I just feel a great sadness this evening.. I took myself off for a second cup of coffee just to be with people after the walk this afternoon and it was nice as Jasper and I connected with another lady with her 13 year old dog Charlie.. It was good just to sit there and read my book but the caffeine and sugar made my teeth ache and may be contributing to my headaches.. I am a bit addicted to the stuff really.. Anyway….the body moves all of this stuff though..
I wish I had a loving family.. Maybe my sister does love me its hard to get my head around it all.. I cannot even pick up the phone to her right now… I know its bloody minded but its hard for me to let this stuff go.. I will continue to pray.. I need my happy life, I just wish the hurt others caused us did not have to go on recycling over and over.. I know I must be contributing to making it worse.. This is not easy at all so I must share my struggle here.. Any one who relates is welcome to share their experience in the comments section below
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I worry about my anger too. Sometimes I feel my rage “needs” to be let to express itself at whomever I feel angry at. However, I don’t believe it would do much good for me or anyone else. But I do think my anger needs to be heard, and who needs to hear it is me. I believe behind the parts of myself that are intensely angry there is a deep sadness. Though I often struggle to see/understand that sadness clearly. I wonder is it my fear of my own anger that keeps me away from sitting and listening and understanding and healing those parts of myself? Or is it my fear that the sadness they hold will break me? Or maybe it will just take time for those parts of myself to open up to me, my inner kindness to myself is new? Maybe with time will come more inner trust?
So often when I do find parts of myself in sadness, it feels they are sad because they have been left alone and ignored. And I often feel it is myself that has left them alone and their feelings ignored. It is what I was taught to do because it is what my parents were taught to do. I find my family is unable to see the very parts of me they can not see in themselves. I am trying to relearn how to take care of myself now. My habit has been to think I need to “save” those I love, but I am starting to feel my first step is to “save” myself. I feel I can only see others as clearly as I can see myself.
This quote feels related to me. “Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like ‘struggle.’ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” -Fred Rogers
This comment is a little all over the place. But I do know that worry about anger, that confusion about what the truth even is, and that longing to love and be loved. I try so hard to accept the present moment, but sometimes it is so painful and confusing, but then again I guess sometimes that just is the present moment. I believe there is something beautiful and powerful living within us that longs to be heard and seen by us and then expressed into the external world by us. It is ourselves.
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In no way is your comment all over the place it actually shows what an intense degree of insight you have and ability to be with your feelings and go deeper.
The sadness under the anger actually opened up in the afternoon yesterday and luckily at that time the sadness was moving forward and she gave me a place to express it and be heard.
I do think we do need to be heard by someone.. We also need to take our own feelings seriously I am seeing I dont do that I talk myself out of them at times..
I love this part of your comment:
“I believe there is something beautiful and powerful living within us that longs to be heard and seen by us and then expressed into the external world by us. It is ourselves.”
That is so deep eloquent and infinitely wise.. bless you, you are amazing..
Hugs and love.
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❤️
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In very sorry.. I am glad that you write. It is a good expression and you do write very well. I am sending you lots of care. I think it all just takes time.
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I think you are right.. Today I feel lot better and to be honest it was good to get it out of my system. I actually ended up calling someone who was really helpful and knows how painful its been and let me cry.. So I am glad because sometimes I intellectualise my feelings a bit too much.. Thanks so much for your feedback and care.. that means a lot. ❤
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Self care is always a good thing. When we are able to sit and ponder and recognize some of the things that angers us and find a way to release the negative energy, it is always a major and good step. You are strong, you are enlightening and hold the power. Best for the New Year
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Thank you so much.. I seem to have really grown inwardly through allowing myself to finally accept these are my true feelings.. Your comment means so much.
Happy New Year, too. ❤
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