feeling shattered and in deep pain

I am glad I could get myself together enough to eat and manage a walk with Jasper.. I woke after a nightmare of receiving a text from ‘Scott’ nothing in it was personal it was a history of how Nazism in some strangelway gave birth to Boko Haram and of all the military machinations that go on over there.. This was the later section of the night after i got back to sleep around 3.30 after an hour of being torn around in my body.

I lay in the quiet for nearly 45 minutes after waking about 7 or 8. I don’t often just allow myself to rest but my heart was hurting so much and I was in so much confusion.. Partly its my inner child, she keeps asking me how this could have happened, how could someone lie and keep lying and even when you broke away pursue you and convince you again they were so distressed so to give them another chance? As my therapist said yesterday “Deborah, Scott was relentless with you” she knows the many times I struggled to set a boundary and all the tactics he used.. I look back now on the nearly 3 years of this and its like I have been pummelled around by king tides and the empty feeling of having him completely vaporise after sending messages Thank you thank you with images of planes taking off and saying ‘talk to you soon’ is so hard..

I know I have to suck this up.. I can collapse on the floor in paroxyms of grief but I have to get myself going again and luckily a reprieve came yesterday, my cousin actually invited me to their place for a light Christmas lunch, tomorrow she knows I have been uninvited again by the family here and has shown care and compassion and her two children genuinely care for me…

I just have to keep holding on to what ever tender threads of love remain.. for myself and Jasper and those who reach out to care.. My older sister’s third son called last night that was lovely. I have not dared to tell him Scott has been back in touch since March.. I feel guilt too because money I sent Scott I could have helped him with, that said I cannot keep rescuing others.. I am praying I have enough to get by with what I have left to live frugally and that my inheritance will be sorted by early next year. I keep trying to remind myself I am safe, I asked my sister if she will lend me some money if I get into hot water. I keep reminding myself it is only money but the toll all of this has taken on my body has been enormous. Not to mention on my heart. I had suicidal thoughts earlier. I imagined death by carbon monoxide posioning in my car.. But I cannot let someone else’s lack of morals do this to me, kill off my belief in a brighter future and cause me more self doubt or self hatred… Part of me cannot believe the ‘Scott’ I came to know could do this. That there is a reason there has been no contact since Monday but I don’t think it is so (and am still living in La La Land), if he was genuine a text would have arrived to tell me what is happening.. I am just waiting for the next text asking for more.. on other occasions it took about 5 days to a week for him or one of his ‘colleagues’ to get in touch..

I feel I must also stop obsessing on all the past twists and turns.. That means trying to put my focus on something happier and more full of life.. I do feel I made essential mistakes with helping but what is now done is done.. All I can do is try and learn the lesson and not let the pain of this defeat me.. Please keep me in your prayers if you can.. And thank you for reading and listening if you have.. I need to write this just to keep externalising and processing it all.