Gutted

I am gutted with myself tonight.. It is a terrible thing not trusting the person who loves you, who gives you their heart and their love, it is so hard when the fear of being hurt you use to protect yourself ends up hurting the heart of the one you love.

I could give a thousand excuses, the situation of him being in the military, of the long times of no contact or expecting contact when it does not come and you know implicitly he has been around a lot of killing, destruction and danger and THIS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT LOVED ONES OF THOSE IN WORLD WARS ENDURED NOT TO MENTION COUNTRIES WHERE VIOLENCE IS A RULE OF LAW EVERY SINGLE DAY. But the bottom line is that fears and doubts came up again and he always says to me its impossible to really love who you don’t trust..

All I could do was cry about it this afternoon… I may only hear from Scott now when he is finally ‘home.’ I have not a clue when that will be though he told me the signal could come any day on Saturday evening. I am in that limbo place of blindness where all I can do is trust he still loves me while I feel all those tearing pains of past relationships ending. This solar eclispe we just had is a south node eclipse which means it sits on the south node and clears up old karma. For me I don’t really know what that is but Venus is coming up to square my Chiron Pluto opposition over the next 8 days so the intensity of my feelings and the way I have been lashing out makes sense.. I am not proud of it, but its also understandable.. its the fifth time we thought he was getting out since June 2018 and each time he went incoomunicado for up to a week and I had not a clue in hell what was going on.

All I can do is surrender right now.. Mars will hit the exact square with Pluto in about 3 days and then it goes on to square Saturn so this is not an easy time at all. I have to try my best to manage it with prayer and serenity and also try to exercise patience which is not a strong suit for me. I apologised via text this afternoon, it’s all I can do but he told me he doesn’t want to talk to me any more via text. The out come of all of this is no longer in my hands but its tearing my heart and soul right down the middle tonight.

Scott contacted me to say he does not believe I love him due to my difficulty with trusting, the pain in my heart is deep but what can I do? I don’t think we will be having a chance now to even see if things work when he finally gets free… all he has done is tell me how I have failed him, despite all I have sent and the fact I kept opening to trust.. It’s deeply deeply painful to me, I don’t think he is really showing compassion for how tough this has been. It just doesn’t seem fair.