Trust more and try less.

These wise words were shared with me by an old AA friend a few months back when I contacted her after struggling with my sister going down again. She told me they were shared with her by one of sponsors..

It can be hard at times to leave to God or the Universe what is theirs to take care of.. it can be hard at times to know the limits of our own power to help others or even if what we think will be helpful actually is, and is it wanted? With my sister in therapy yesterday what came up was the fear she may die, I was actually crying about it with Kat. She said she sensed this deep fear beneath the desperation I so often feel around her (having seen my other sister suffer a slow death over so many years)..

Today it was shared with me my sister doesn’t want to do something her son is forcing on her over a very fraught period of Christmas and I saw the old pattern of her not speaking up. I thought too, of my father, who would just withdraw and smile not saying too much, especially in the face of Mum’s storms or her hurting us. … Kat asked me yesterday if I thought he was avoidant, I just think he was a young kid in a very vulnerable position after his Dad died when he was only 12 as the oldest of five kids in a country then threatened with occupation.. This gives me more compassion for my brother too and the way he avoids us girls continuing the family pattern. My brother gets to suffer emotionally less due to his avoidance or ability to stay separate, he may end up living a lot longer than I do as the constant tension of it all does pull on my heart constantly if I try to avoid my sister I just end up feeling so so guilty.. while seeing at times how counterproductive it is for me to get caught up in her issues.

Today I tried to keep the focus on me but I ended up getting caught up in it all again, at least until 11 am.. I called someone and she agreed my sister is being bullied, this son has taken over our coast house and all my stuff got moved into the garage.. I was so upset and angry about it (since the house was left to me and my sister) but I don’t feel i have a right to be as I was avoiding going down there after Mum died due to it being the place I went through so much pain and loneliness with my last partner.. Gosh families are complex.

I have to let this stuff go but is smarts and I thought this morning of how the Sun began to trine Mars from Sagittarius to Aries over the past week and of how this morning’s eclipse can be gathering that frustration over identity and being seen and real issues (the Sun is semi-sextile Pluto now too). Mars in Aries has to do with issues of identity and our right to our spiritual birthright, to not being boxed in, it was a subject under discussion on last night’s edition of our Australian current affairs talk show called which airs on ABC each weeknight at 6 pm, The Drum as Stan Grant who is of mixed race descent was being interviewed along with others since he has written so widely on this issue and is doing an interview program with prominant Australians over summer that focuses on the issues they face. That discussion seemed to be astrologically spot on and involved two gay women who both have very strong political voices and very interesting things to say on the subject.

Mars in Aries wants to fight but the Neptune influence is very strong and the softness in my sis comes from Sun and Venus in Pisces along with Mercury that is caught up in a very complex t-square with her Moon (emotions) and Jupiter (sense of expansion or going over the top) so its no surprise my sister swings between different parts of her psyche as Mars (in fire) challenges also her Sun and Venus conjunction (in Pisces = submersion of self.. deep waters). When Mars is in the ascendancy she feels competent and has short periods of coming alive but then often goes hell for leather exercising and taking charge, when the other two planets assert dominance she falls into that state of sunken helplessness I found her in on Saturday..

I think at this stage all I can do is stand on the sidelines and be prepared to help or step in if she asks for it. As much as she had tried to cut down the fighting part of me I can see why at times it cuts her as it is not warm and cosy energy and does not always know how to connect emotionally. I see where the way I am may have contributed to her not feeling that safe either..Its not my fault but I have had an influence.. I sometimes wonder if it has been a negative influence with her feeling so alone after Mum died. But I too cannot change who i am. In fact I was crying a lot about the way I had to harden this morning after talking to a good family friend.. my own avoidance and emotional sensitivity sometimes means I need a special kind of connection and there was not a lot of softness really shown to me in the family when I needed it so I carry deep wounds in that area still. My sister’s Venus and Sun hit this Chiron wound and her Mars squares it so she has, at times, also hurt me with her brusqueness and lack of sensitivity to why I needed to be so avoidant..

In the end I see we all do our best with what we know and how we try to handle difficult situations.. God knows the Christmas period is not easy for a lot of us with family issues, with our family and the grief history it has been very difficult for everyone and especially me since I got sober.. These days I can be comfortable with the idea I have to spend the day alone.. while also sad.. its just the way life panned out.. no one’s fault, but I DO WISH MY BROTHER WOULD BE MORE CONNECTED EMOTIONALLY AND MINDFUL OF OUR LOSS AT THIS TIME AND NOT BLOW IT OFF, BUT I HAVE TO BE REALISTIC AND KNOW HE PROBABLY NEVER WILL. AND FOR MY SISTER A LOT OF EMOTION WILL CONTINUE TO BE HELD UNDER WRAPS I am sure her son feels it too, but he is perhaps not as aware of how painful my sister may find this time of year.