It is only with the heart

I had to push myself this morning.. I avoided Scott’s texts. I got Jasper and I out early to walk at the Peace Park and then went and parked near the cathedral where Mum and Dad were married in 1941.. I got a cup of coffee and came back and the reviewed my lastest replies to Scott which I made later at the peace park.. I then just collapsed with the insight we all feel love and try to express it in different ways and it is also true that someone may love us but not have a way of showing it that may register for us.. I thought of Dad especially as the tears fell and of the summer 3 years ago when Mum had her funeral at the same cathedral. On that day I held back and got there very late. I went in all alone by the side door. My sister and brother had stood out the front welcoming Mum’s friends and others who knew her who came honor her, but from the time Mum got sick I felt myself resisting them and pulling back.

My sister’s boys (the one who died in 2014) had all traveled up separately, one came to visit a few days out from the funeral and told me of a time Mum was very hard with him when he had burned feet, on that visit he chose to stay separately which was hard as when my sister died he stayed with me with his third brother and that was a big comfort even if we did have a blow up when they came in drunk at 3 am but we moved through it to love. When Mum died it wasn’t like that I felt so alone, no one offered to accompany me or even see how I was, my living sister who has been in and out of depressive episodes both before and since December 2017, punctured with one 10 month interval of run run running to get everything sorted after Mum died that was being left to me or not being done, was in such a strange frozen place at the funeral and I can imagine that was a mixture of so many emotions as well as shock as well as all of her unprocessed trauma as well as the struggle she went through with Mum after separating from her husband.

Today I just let the tears fall in the car as I listened to the Eagles song I Can’t Tell You why which speaks of the mysteries of buried feelings that might drive lovers apart even as they try to love.. I thought then that I am sure Dad loved me, but he struggled to show it.. I thought of those terribly dark years from 1982 when Ron sent Judy back and she struggled not to die and made an attempt on her life, I thought of the sad relationship I went into after being forced to study at that horrible Metropolitan Business College and of the dope and alcohol that became a constant part of my weekends.. How sad.. And of those two terrible terminations of pregnancy I kept silent after Mum shamed me and would not talk to me after she found out I was having sex (at the age of 23!!) by walking into my house one Saturday unannounced. Why the hell would I be blaming myself for any of the terrible years that followed and then Dad’s death where I never even got to say goodbye?… and then was forced overseas alone… and then of the cold dark years in Sydney where the one reprieve (which I do believe saved my life) of being taken in for a time by my Godparents. Is it any wonder someone dropping out of contact triggers me big time and aren’t I managing it well now by being at least able to express part of what I go thorugh with Scott when he disappears due to an emergency alert (something far outside of his control?)

It helps me today to write this and let it all flood out so I can know what my body and heart had to bury in silence and it seems music is, for me, the channel that manages to open my heart when I need it opened for at the moment to be honest, I see it closing towards Scott and me looking for any excuse to push him away and get angry with him. But there is some justification even in that because I have helped him so much.. Today he told me he is in awe of the way I deal with things and turn them around but I had to remind him I am only human and can only be strong for so long..I am trying on so many levels to be there but lately its feeling too much. A relative got in touch with some biomedical balance information because she got off anti depressants some years back after doing research into epigenetic factors (due the past history of alcoholism in our family) and found out how to get better by having tests to figure out if her body was under or over methylating.. which is something that contributes to the level of anxiety descendants can suffer due to past issues in the family of stress, neglect and trauma. The imbalance can then be treated with vitamins and minerals and with certain food changes… I tried to share this with my sister but this contradicts with what my therapist said to me on Monday THAT i CANNOT HELP MY SISTER.. BUT IS THIS TRUE BECAUSE I KNOW FOR A FACE ONE ALCOHOLIC WHO IS SOBER CAN HELP ANOTHER ALCOHOLIC?? And even a lot of psychiatrists are not tuned into this epigenetic stuff and the complex role of the alcoholic/grief issue in families that create such problems and schisms in the world.. Just look at Joseph Stalin.. his Dad was a violent alcoholic who beat him mericilessly.

Thanks for bearing with me if you have read this far.. Its important to articulate what I am struggling with. On top of this are the feelings attending Mum’s third anniversary.. As I was sitting in the car an hour or so back and crying a lovely older couple of women walking by must have seen me, one of them come over to ask me (through the car window if I was alright). I cannot tell you the number of times I have been in public somewhere with tears streaming down my face and wishing someone would notice me and at least give me some comfort.. Just a small hug.. Is that asking too much.. ANSWER ; IN AN EMOTIONALLY AVOIDANT FAMILY AND WORLD YES! BUT O.M.G. I WISH IT WERE SO DIFFERENT.. That said today maybe the angels heard my prayers when they gave me the gift of that lady who had her eyes and her heart open. (and I can be emotionally avoidant too, pushing my family away our of fear of how they may react if I show emotion.)

I am trying to sort a time for the interment of Mum’s ashes at Dad’s grave site (this was Mum’s wish) and include my nephew who doesn’t get in touch much.. He hasn’t returned my latest call. Part of me says to just do it and get on with it alone.. to stop longing for a time to share all of this with at least part of the family.. is that me forcing my will on them? NO, as he did suggest it.. Maybe I just need to hold off. It does not necessarily need to be done by 12 December, maybe it can be done before Christmas? I will keep praying I will try to keep keeping my heart open and listening to what it TRULY FEELS UNDERNEATH ALL OF THE THOUGHTS BY TUNING IN THROUGH MUSIC.