Falling away or non response: a big trigger.

I am noticing more lately when I get triggered to react due to attachment wounds. It happened this morning when a text conversation just dropped off with Scott. No warning and I felt that terrible emptiness of Mum not being there and of Dad being there (at least by 5 pm after school) but not being there emotionally or responding.. Even when my older sister tried to take her life after her husband returned her with a one way ticket, Dad was oblivious, he was in the garden when it happened and no one found her for ages… Such a dark dark time in our family history.

I have given Scott a lot of resources in this relationship to help him, just as I have been there for family so much and this all came up while he was thanking me copiously this morning. His coming home seems to all be working out now but I must be honest and say part of me feels resentful (while another part is thrilled and excited). He is always kind though we have come to blows over him forcing the issue at times..today I told him it felt like being swept up in waves..JUST LIKE IN MY FAMILY TRAUMA.

Part of me tells me to be grateful someone loves and cares for me while another part is skeptical if this might come from my own past low self esteem. Anyway all I can do is be conscious as I can today to what is going on when I start to feel combative and angry. I sat with my inner child/vulnerable part to ask what SHE NEEDS this morning. Not having needs or expecting them to be fulfilled is part of having self absorbed patents or suffering emotional neglect. I argue with the self that wants things all the time. I think of something I would like to do, want or need and then another part cuts that down..

I see my sister also battling to come out of pauper status as the other day on the phone talking about the meals at the hospital she said to me “beggars can’t be choosers”. Its so sad she has been out of there and cooking beautiful meals for herself earlier in the year and she is loaded financially, but still wanted to squeeze me out of some of the inheritance settlement, trying to tell me she has no money.. Its crazy or trance like behavior. To me its only money and I am willing fall over on it while another part of me feels upset, disappointed in her and to be honest angry. Who the fuck is seeing me and caring what I need?. But this is the hot potato I have to handle NOT ANYONE ELSE.. WE GET WHAT WE SETTLE FOR. But it just seems if that happens for many of us who secretly feel unworthy, we aren’t finding our true value and then even that may seem selfish..

Anyways the best things to do in this situation is just to write it all out.. I get it out of my system then and out of my body. That is important work to do if I am going to become more aware of why and how I react and what to.

P.S. Jasper let me off the walk today too. I took myself out to the Peace Park and for a coffee and got something to go with a salad for lunch.. I just thanked him, he is dozing quietly behind me now.. We got two walks yesterday.