the last time ever I saw your face

I was listening to one of my favorite Steely Dan tracks on the way to therapy today..(below) I had a clear and vivid memory of my last night with my ex partner Phil in Broome before I flew home on 20 December 2010 because my father’s oldest niece was coming for a once in a lifetime visit.. On that night we were in the middle of packing up the B and B we had been asked to mind for a couple, it was during what is called ‘the build up’, in the far north of Australia that is the time humidity and temps mushroom and for many weeks I had to stay in doors after 9 am as it was too hot to be out and I had no transport while Phil was at work.. AT that time, he was doing painting work and I was volunteering for charity. Anyway we decided to go out for a meal on that last night, were having a lovely time and I clearly remember us singing this song to each other.

I had cried a lot the day I was leaving Phil. Somewhere deep down inside did I know the old ancestral pattern would kick in and it was going to be the last time I saw his face? Maybe on some level, it would explain why I cried so much that day as I packed up all my things to leave him for what I thought was only going to be a few weeks.

I had asked him to fly back with me but we had a dog and we could not get her into any lodgings and so I decided to fly back alone to family.. we spoke quiet a lot on the phone but things started to go pear shape in the lead up to Christmas, calls got missed, things said that hurt one of us, the other not reacting well and then the clincher, Mum got sick and I decided I had to stay on… Phil’s birthday was approaching and he was hurt and angry I wasn’t flying back. I clearly remember our second last conversation. He said “I want you decide who you love MORE me or your family?” Uh oh, I got paralysed, I loved them both and told him so, I wanted to be with them both but that was not possible, he hung up and the next thing I know a nasty email arrived tearing me to shreds.. I reacted to this by telling him to go jump and then he went AWOL for days and then phoned to break it off, no argument, no way back. I was pretty devastated.. All of these years later I see we both played a part, he could never be soft on me when I needed that, he could never get honestly hurt only angry and I only then got angry instead of reaching deeper to understand HIS HURT and respond with tenderness (but even writing this I know he almost go almost psychotic at times when I got tender. I just got read the riot act each time!) I had also left him alone as he was left alone as a child by his own Mum.

All of these years later as i think it all over having cried so many tears for us, and with the pain of the tearing of that separation behind me, I have compassion for both of us.. There is no blame and I am free of the way he tried to blame it all on me in that nasty email calling me names. In the end we were not meant to last.. Despite this I explored in therapy today just how much I was trying to come to life with Phil. The sadness of my family and that entangled relationship with my older sister, who at that stage was still alive but getting worse in the new care home everyday was pulling on me and Phil resented it. He didn’t like us visiting Jude and me showing her compassion as often when she was bad I would just sit by her and hold her hand. He didn’t like my other sister much due to the fact his own relationship with his sisters had been pretty damaged.

I am still processing the ending of this relationship in my life, obviously.. I guess that is what happens around critical anniversaries of break ups. We live and learn and grow and see from a way along what went wrong and why it did and hopefully in time we find peace. That relationship ending honestly tormented me for so long but not any more. I can honestly say I wish Phil love and wanted a softer guy to be with. I share about it here because that is my blog. its a kind of memoir or diary in which I explore critical life events..

Today it was bittersweet to listen to this Steely Dan track and have a happy thought and memory of the times it was good between us and life and love was flowing. . We had tough times in that relationship, at times he was emotionally abusive and unloving but maybe so was I. Today I can be grateful for it all even as i know this relationship and what happened in it was also a preparation for the next one.. And that life’s learning in relationships for those of us with attachment wounds is a challenge. But as long as we are alive there will always be the chance to grow in wisdom. We cry so many tears and wrestle with all the ins and outs and in time we release the person as we also release ourselves, freeing our energy to embrace someone new again.

“No matter how spiritually “woke” we may think we are, we still have deeper issues which can only be worked out within the context of relationship. Left alone, we settle in to comfortable patterns that limit the range of our emotional awareness and personal expression. However, once we step out of our comfort zone and open up to others, previously unnoticed/ denied aspects of ourselves begin to emerge.At first, they make waves in the calm waters of our hearts, evoking passion and excitement. But when we let them in deeply enough, it’s like stirring up a pool of still water – all the heavy and messy things which settled at the bottom of our awareness are forced to emerge to the surface. When our otherwise hard-to-reach issues get stirred up for us to look at, we have an opportunity to embrace these fragmented parts of ourselves, to become more integrated and whole. This is a blessing in disguise, albeit a challenging one.

Twin Flame Reunion