I can only keep loving

There is so much I would change in if I could but I am not God and even though I love someone their life is theirs, only they live inside their own skin. I have not lived their life, I can see things from the outside and know the person is lost or hurting and the only thing I can try best to do is to witness that and do my best to stay out of their business.

I just managed to catch my dead sister’s second son for his birthday, and got onto him, it was lovely to talk even though he apologised for never calling, he knows all the ins and outs with my living sister who took him in after things came unstuck with his Mum, my older sister and her husband, but he was acting out a lot then, and not shown empathy either and it was hard for my sister now living as things he was doing did affect her sons who now do not have heaps to do with him, not out of any animosity but simply because that is the way things roll in our family. He was saying he struggles in similar ways with seeing one of his brothers smoking and has to let go, and I know its not easy, but the only way we can be there at times is to simply detach with love and pray

We got out for our Peace Park walk a while ago and my body has been going through something intense since last night.. I know its a critical time of year, anniversary memories of the lead up to Mum’s death are with me, she had that fall after Lyra, her great granddaughter had the seizure on the last day my nephew was visiting in December 2017, so its a week now until the anniversary of Mum going. I sensed something may be up with my Mum at that time and called her. My sister lived closer so she went over to find Mum in bed, she had fallen in the night and hurt her back badly and managed to crawl back into bed. How hard for my sister to call the ambulance knowing this time Mum may not make it through and she did not.. My dear sister has seen so much.. I do not know how medication is the answer and my nephew agrees, he knows what it did to his own mother who died in 2014. But we recognised on our call we are both powerless.

Today I pray the serenity prayer. I try my best to stay centered in my own life.. .I will always be there for my sister but I cannot save her, her choices and complex family entanglements are her own.. I just wish she had had a daughter.. it not that her sons are not good people but they cant really meet her where she needs to be met and she isn’t strong enough to express any of it.. All I can do is pray and stand by when I can.