Articulating by writing

I read some words that struck me as particularly potent a few weeks ago.. “words are not feelings.’ I wonder about this a lot as the words I use sometimes hide feelings, at other times try to reveal them and today in frustration I lashed out and swore at someone and looking at it, it was not the best way to express the underlying complex mix of painful feelings and I am sure it hurt the person.

I try to be as transparent as I can be in my blog. The truth is I struggle and on some days feel so far from having anything together, but then sometimes I think the process of life is one of things falling apart for many of us, certainly in my own life, it seems to have been riddled with endings, leavings, large empty spaces of no holding and lots of traumatic events.. Now I think of how tough and lonely it was I can feel the burning of it and when I get this abandonment, people not being present stuff triggered, which happened with Scott yesterday, I can get highly reactive and I use words and often they do not speak of the feeling. Come to think of it that swearing contained elements of frustration, powerlessness, feeling not seen and upset at the pressure I get put under by him.

I have tried not to say too much about trying to help someone in the military on my blog since last year when I came out about it being a scam when certain information came to light. I tore myself away for 5 months and then Scott approached me again with evidence the money was in the bank and of certificates for his security clearance.. He urged me to help with a smaller amount telling me he would be home in July. I ran my funds down to the lowest manageable level on the assurance he would be out and pay it back.. July came and the military told him they were not releasing him until the head of SCARMEY flew down to where they were stationed to bring the certificates, clear his weapons, settle in the replacement solider, fly back with him to the States and see that he makes good his promise to return my money.. Well that was going to cost another huge amount and at that stage I said a categorical no. He has been promising my money back for about 3 weeks now but this morning he told me they have a meeting and the amount the military is asking has been dropped to 25,000 USD.. Even if I wanted to pay that I cannot as I do not have the equivalent in Australian dollars and I am so over it all, exhausted and fed up with the result this morning I called him a Motherfucker which isn’t a great word, come to think of it.

Should I be feeling guilty,? Not sure (and a large part of me isn’t really anyway), but it came to me while walking that it myself I am angry at for allowing him to be pressure the whole way through and countless other times over things like money for medical treatment. He claims his own account was frozen by his bank back in early 2018 as he gave his card details to someone who was involved in scamming HIM and his bank won’t unfreeze it until he can present himself in person at the bank in San Antonio to verify it really is his account!. Yes, its all just a bit too crazy for words.

Writing this out is not easy for me but its going to help even to post it regardless of how I get judged for it and who else in my family may read it (especially the nephew who got angry with me about it last year and told me he no longer wants to be around me.) That is fair enough, its his right but he had NO RIGHT to tell me how I am to spend my own money, it wasnt inheritance money as he claimed, it was my own money.

This is what I am dealing with as Mars moves closer to square Pluto and the two planets were in conjunction when all of this got started around May 2018. I have now been caught up in it for nearly 3 years.. Today I thought what solutions I can take. Cut contact completely.. just stand my ground, accept I cannot help.. just let it go over to the hands of God or the United States Military… I told him today they already have enough of my money and its up to him and them to fucking fix it.

I am going to close comments on this post (when I figure how to do it) as I don’t need any advice really, at the moment I just need to articulate what is going on to get it out of my head. I have managed my breakfast and a walk, and its heating up to heatwave conditions later, so Jazzie and I are going to hang around in the cool of the house for the rest of the day.. I am just loving my solitude right now, but then abandonment fears come up about it all. I get into a bit of a mixed up state when I don’t write it out so that is what I am doing today.

Really if I stay in the present everything is okay in my life.and to be honest I feel better not interacting with Scott over all of this, but then I miss him so it’s a catch 22 situation, but do I miss him enough when the truth is I can easily these days better find my peace on my own? Despite the stress he has put me through he was there for me after Mum died and has never abandoned me. I feel bad for lashing out at him as a lot of what has gone down was due to him being misled by the military. That said I could never have asked of someone the help he has asked of me, but there you go, I find it hard to ask for help, so is this a case of my shadow come calling? Not sure just feel better for writing about it here to get it out of my head and onto the page. I get swept up in powerful feelings at times and what I am learning is, that sometimes it is not always best to act on them, because sometimes when I do, I just make things harder for myself and others. That said we have power over our actions but not the fruit of our actions, nor the fruit of others actions that interact with our energy field if we don’t set boundaries.