yield : late morning reflections

There are times we just have to give in to our feelings, to our mistakes, to the way others disappoint us, misread us, fail to help or see us, or when we fail to do that for others. I just had one of those moments by the lake I gave it all to God and said the serenity prayer and I got instant relief.

I remember well the day my Mum fell down three flights of stairs trying to carry down a heavy suitcase for my sister in hospital after she had a fall as a result of too much medication and too many repressed feelings. This followed hot on a birthday lunch where I confronted them on some lack of empathy and they shut me down, in that way they had.. Mum didn’t contact me for days (this was a pattern with Mum when she was displeased with me for some reason and is something my last partner used to use on me a lot.) She did call me though when the shit hit the fan with my sister she wanted me to come with her and I was having a bad panic attack at the time and said I couldn’t do it..(this was following trying to be there for her in every way after her suicide attempt the year before.) Later in the day, leaving my sister’s unit my Mum fell.. around that time I was with Jasper at the dog park and felt something so intense going down.. A few hours later I got the call about it and, of course, felt horrendously guilty.

This came up in therapy again this week, and for some reason while writing this.. it just feels like surviving in my family was like fighting a wild tide and that I so often capsized or got submerged.. That said there were moments of real love when Mum helped or tried to protect me too, I was crying about one of those moments on the way home from the lake park a moment ago, listening to my favorite heart opening song Cherish.

It helps to turn over to higher power all the things I can not change from the past, all the times it was too hard to front up due to fear, hurt or pain, all of the other things in wounded family I cannot change, like their promise to help me bring Scott home and then their failure to help or their outright disbelief and mocking of me with the comment “well we all know you are lonely, but you are being scammed!!!” RIGHT THAT ONE GOT A BIG EYE RAISE FROM MY THERAPIST.

I thought on the drive home of how important surrender is and how difficult it can be for survivors of trauma so often overpowered by so much out of our control that damaged us that we often end up blaming ourselves for…I am also thinking of the yin yang symbol as I write this post.. within every dark thing there is some light and within every light thing some dark. At times the dark in others and ourselves can feel almost eclipsing but maybe its a precursor too to a new light filled stage some way down the track or some other dawning of growth, awareness, understanding or enlightenment.

One of the things I most love about my beloved Scott is that he takes everything in his stride.. He lives so close to God and is always telling me he trusts the process even when things are tough.. There he is over there fighting one of the darkest forces on the planet Boko Haram and putting his life on the line like so many in the armed forces do and there he is always trusting in the love and protection of his God… At times he inspires me so… at times he has infuriated me making me responsible to get him out and yet maybe the entire thing happening while transiting Uranus squared my own Mars Saturn Moon was fated or written in destiny. All I know is I am living a love story at the moment and the love I show to what hurts and does not work out is a huge part of that..

Today my best course forward is to hand over and yield to the Universe or a higher force call it God or Goddess what I cannot control. As Mars begins to move closer and closer to square with Pluto over the next few weeks, watch as President Trump digs his heels in and refuses to surrender control, watch yourself and the rest of the world too to see where the latest lesson of surrendering to the evolutionary path of God and life lays. With Mars square Pluto what our ego wants may be blocked and for a good reason.. Or we may be subjected to the power plays of others or their ‘playing God’ appearing all knowing and all powerful when they really are not.. For me the best evidence of astrology and archetypal forces always lies in this watching.