A voice to the grief in my heart

My heart is so sore today. I did manage a lovely walk with Jasper but was so keenly aware of being one of the only ones walking alone and in that beautiful shady spot at the peace park many families and friends were having gatherings.. Don’t get me wrong I know we can sometimes feel so alone with others, but when I try, yet again to call my sister and she doesn’t pick up it cuts me like a knife. I have seen her lie about phone calls she did not want to take, so I don’t know what is happening.. I am letting go and maybe I need to but the pain is so very deep and I am aware that Saturn moving forward will soon return to its natal place in my chart and onto Mars and the Moon just before and after this.

Sometimes separation seems to be all that I have known. I read something yesterday by someone that said they feel Aquarians are too intellectual and feel they are above others, I wondered about this, do I use my intellect to keep me separate? Never the less I feel deeply and this no contact falls into the things I am powerless over, it may be for my own good and I may just need to suffer the separation grief that cuts me like a knife right now, but around the time of painful anniversaries it is hard. My head hurts a lot too right now and my eyes just start watering when I am working in the garden.. Liz Greene says that with Saturn Moon people its the body that so often expresses unconscious, repressed emotions the person gets out of touch with.

Eating is proving to be challenging, my body symptoms are intense right now. I know we are in the dark of the Moon right now.. the New Moon in Scorpio is six hours away as I type and Mars is moving direct now.. I tried to set the boundary with Scott but it felt too mean. I have not much control over money that was mine or was supposed to be mine. I just have to keep trusting everything will come right.. I don’t want to be sad or angry any more. I did what I did in the past with best intentions… I honestly just want to be kind and love and if it gets me in the shit I’ll let it take me out. That said I know if I let these feelings pass through and give them a voice of some kind things will change or feel more bearable.. I will come back to my solitary peace for today.

My gut may be in a bit of state right now with my heart and my head but maybe its the Mars force moving forward.. I wonder at the building intensity when it begins to square Pluto again and then Saturn. Technically it hasn’t left the square to Pluto for the entire 10 week retrograde period as it is currently 7 degrees away and out of orb of the Saturn square at 12 degrees away.

I guess right now I just need to find a way to bear the feelings and keep living.. when the grief and powerlessness rises up like a wave its so intense I feel its going to kill me, either that or the being alone… but maybe its just False Evidence Appearing Real. That said separation is painful at times which is why we so often go through so much anxiety even when separating from something not good for us… that is all the sense I can make right now of a process going on deep within me that is perhaps too mysterious for reason or words.