The dark side and the light side

The sunlight was dancing and glistening on the water today as Jasper and I walked along the path via the lake that curves around the Peace Park. I could not help but think of angels dancing when I saw it, the light vibrating off the water truly looked like dancing stars..

I was freer and happier today because when, yet again my sister didn’t answer her phone I let go, instead of panicking as I did on Thursday. I know she cannot drive right now so was going to offer to take her to the markets, but she didn’t pick and never returned my call so I got the message to let go. This felt right as yesterday I handed over to God using the third step prayer.. I also had to confront Scott again yesterday about returning my money.. i have set a boundary that if he doesn’t take steps to return it I am cutting contact.. He keeps pleading each time I say I will do this not to leave him all alone in that insane situation over there but I am going to be a hard nosed bitch and do it.. I just want to. I am angry about it and I need to use the passion of that feeling to take action for self care.

I slept fitfully last night but have been up, eaten and walked by 10.30 then went to another park with my coffee and gave Jasper some more free time. On the way back to the car I passed my our local independent bookseller and saw a book Voices of the Holocaust selling for 10 bucks on the reduced price trolley outside. I have recently finished Juliet Rierden’s book on her father escaping the Nazi overtaking of Czechoslovakia and am still fascinated by the entire thing… the facts are awful and the stories of Auschwitz absolutely terrifying… Kat, my therapist, often asks me if I am projecting onto what that young boy endured in being separated from his parents and yes, there is something in that but if you don’t know I do have Jewish ancestry, my great great grandmother, Eliza Solomon renounced her Jewish faith to marry my great great grandfather Thomas Matts Trugdgeon… I am a huge lover of the revolutionary side of Jesus and Christ consciousness is something I believe in and embrace wholeheartedly. To me it is sad the Jews could not embrace Christ who was one of them and an amazing visionary prophet of love.

The legacy of the Jewish holocaust is most certainly a dark fact that many now seem to want to deny so I guess in that way speaking out about the atrocities is a lot like calling out narcissistic abuse and not let it remain lodged deep inside like a hurtful splinter that I keep using over and over to blame or punish myself.

I also identify with being scapegoated and sitting on the outside but today it occurred to me that the outsider is often wise, they see things and may call out things others would rather they did not, and so, in making others uncomfortable they are often rejected or sidelined. I should see that a badge of honor rather than something to be ashamed of, although I know everyone has to come to their own truth too and its not up to me to right all the ills of society, right now I am flat out trying to have good boundaries and live a healthy happy sane life with my dog and repairing my own mistakes or working to let them go when I need to.

But the thought came to me as I sat reading some of the book “why are you so attracted to this dark side when just an moment ago you and Jasper were so awake and alive in the joy of the present moment?”. But the truth is the past does fascinate me and higher guidance this morning even said that there is really no state of separation between past and present in the Now. That makes sense to me. And I will always try to speak of dark things that happened being so Plutonian. That does not mean I cannot live a life of happiness and joy either.. Embracing my dark and other dark things is for me shedding light on them. And when I do that I can contain the suffering knowing I am not alone in it EVER.. For many human lives are full of even more suffering than mine and many human lives are also full of the overcoming of it.

I read two great quotes on anger in Tian Dayton’s daily reader today.. in closing I would like to share the following quote that she included with the second one in her book One Foot In Front of the Other, it really resonated with me so deeply :

Passion has overthrown tyrannts and freed prisoners and slaves.

Passion has brought justice where there was savagery.

Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear.

Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.

Jim Butcher