Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed this afternoon.. I got triggered as I went by my sister’s place to drop off a bunch of flowers and some fruit in preparation for her coming home tomorrow only to find one of the big plants I promised to look after had died.. It seems I have been in some kind of time warp it may have been two weeks since I got over there or more, before that I was turning up every week or so to water it and its been months now.. I got a terrible pain in my head when I saw it, I felt so much rejection fear then the critical inner voice ‘the one thing you had to do and you COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT.” I had all my groceries to unpack on the return home and just got flooded with grief and its interesting as I shared about dead flowers and my other sister in an earlier post.

I rang my sister to say sorry and let her know, she was so disappointed, but I also know I have been doing the best I can… it may not be good enough but I am only human, I mess up and fail. I just cannot treat myself badly over this. I was pretty much overwhelmed for the entire call with my sis. She actually sounded bright when she called me back. I can only pray she will be okay when she gets home. I wrote this just now to calm myself down and it seems to have helped, I just have one sore spot in my brain right now with a burning sensation… this family stuff is so much bigger than me I have just been caught up in it for so long, but part of it is my grief too, grief over all my failures and unlived life.