Letting Go : morning reflections

I had a sense last night in bed of my body letting go.. Usually when I turn out the light a kind of war goes on in my body between different energies and then I am pulled on by forces, I know I am not alone in this as others I read of on groups like the Ascension pages of Facebook and Awakening Empath go through it too. But last night after a short struggle I felt my body sinking into the bed, I had a deep sense of peace and letting go while I shed more tears for my Dad and Mum feeling the pain of all that went down from the early 1980s onwards.

I had had the realisation yesterday too that I no longer need to try as hard, but I am am still a little worried about the doctor releasing my sister from hospital in two days, I knew it was on the cards, and a family friend rang last night to tell me it would be happening on Wednesday and that her son was picking her up. I have done that two other times but to be honest its a relief not to have the burden right now.. I am feeling so much new life energy as well as a sense of hope and lightness coming into my life right now as I slowly am freeing myself from all the self blame of my past.. And, as if by a weird case of serendipity I just checked out some recent likes on old posts of Dec and January 2019 where I was still blaming myself so much, as well as battling to hold my ground with someone and saw how twisted around I had everything before.

Reading up about the family illness of multi-generational trauma and addiction in Tian Dayton’s very helpful books gives me insight at such times.. I read some powerful readings last night about letting go and loving the soul in family even when their behavior is baffling, confusing, hurtful or difficult. Medication has not helped my sister at all, it has brought her a few reprieves at times but my firm belief is her solution does not lie there (as we say in AA no human power can relieve our dis-ease) but she is still waiting for some kind of external rescue.. It makes me sad while at the same time I recognise my powerlessness. I have to hand my sister over to the loving care of a Higher Power as I have no power over her moods, it does not mean I will not see her and try to be a loving sister but it has to be within limits because when I visited her on Sunday I felt my head screaming with the sense of how entrapped she is and how difficult things were for both of us in the past. That said I see her kindness in trying to pull me out of my own fears and trauma freezes at times, and now Mum is gone I think my sister has lost one of her most valuable life lines. I do worry at times she may try to take her life again as she is not good at reaching out, or even really knowing how she feels. All of this said I cannot use logic to solve this.. I can only feel things in my heart but know that sometimes taking good care of my own heart involves keeping a distance from her issues. Not easy and it sounds mean even writing it but I know it is not.

Anyway Jazzie and I got out for a early walk.. I am feeling so much happier since setting boundaries with Scott.. so much happier.. Reading back on old posts I see how I allowed him to manipulate me at times while denying it. I got a lot of apologies after I read him the riot act on Thursday, he continued to push me until I felt so angry I would have cheerfully cut off his penis.. sorry guys I couldn’t do it really but imagining it gave me a bit of an ‘out’ for some of the intense rage that was building from the Thursday before until the weekend.

Mars only has about 3 more days to turn direct and it is slowing down at 15 degrees of Aries, It sits on this degree for over 3 weeks when it slows and I was interested to note that in the astrology chart of the United States Mars is placed at 14 degrees of Aries so that is very significant with all that is going on there, along with the fact when (if) Joe Biden is sworn it it will have moved a significant way forward and may be squaring Saturn and Pluto again (represent intense power struggles due to fear of letting go or accepting at times painful – at least to the ego – evolutionary pathways)… Mars squared Pluto on its prior forward transit around the 14th of August, 2020 and Saturn around the 24th of August.. this was an intense time in terms of power struggles and if you have planets around 15-27 degrees of the cardinal signs : Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn it will be affecting you in accordance to with Mars placements, positions and aspects in your own chart. I notice its triggering my brother’s chart while all this inheritance being slowed or held back debacle has been going on which gives me a lot of anxiety, sadness, feelings of being unseen and unsupported. I am struggling to regain my power in this situation from being a victim.. Worse comes to worse he holds it back and I have to sell up.. I don’t really want to do that but I have to find a way to take some kind of power back. That said I also need to let go at times, exercise patience, pray and wait… sometimes things may be working out slowly and its not always a case of others being deliberate arse holes just that fact they are so embroiled in their own limited ‘take’ or self involved they do not see as at all. or we are just nothing more than a projection screen to them …I have to watch that kind of resentful thinking as it does not help my health if I do not find valid ways to release the frustration and find healthy ways to reclaim my peace and serenity.

As far as my sister goes while I fear for her coping outside of hospital I also know its out of my hands.. I will stay in touch and be there for her, but I cannot take on the pain of it all any more.. my family was never mine to ‘fix’, a lot of our emotional problems reach about 150 years back, having this sense of longer range perspective reduces things to manageable size for me.. and in the end letting it go into the hands of God is the only workable solution for me with the path of recovery I decided to adopt 27 years ago when I said yes to sobriety. My heart still aches though for her.. it was so good to see her alive and happy earlier in the year, now she is lost and I cannot help but believe its a fear of coming alive due to the killing forces that deadened her so much as a child of the 50’s.. it just breaks my heart at times to see her so ‘frozen.’