You taught me I am nothing : stream of consciousness

Sadly with the way you treated me you so often taught me I was nothing.. I did not have the power to affect you at all, even when I needed the help, it was as if you did not see my vulnerability, but how could you when your world is all about control, so in that world it seems like I am nothing and you made it very clear to me when you tried to silence me and my protest.. This hurts my body so much.

How do I take the power back in this situation, especially when it hurts, when others tell me the reality they see that you had a vested interest in denying as all of those who deny the truth of neglect and invalidation do? Sometimes the pain of it feels too too much, when my mind focuses on it. Sometimes then I feel all hope for life and happiness seep away,when I do And that is just not a place where my spirit feels all that comfortable living.

Sometimes the pain of it is so intense I think it will kill me. Sometimes I think if I cannot make you see me, there is no way I can go on living. But maybe its just an insight in how I used to feel, when drawn into your world which is drawn in such a different way to mine.

Sometimes I think the only way to be free it to totally step outside of this old painful reality. To create my own. I long for the day I have control over my life and affairs, for a day I do not have to be surrounded by the ones who erase me. For a time I can just express the truth of me not caring how others feel.

But one things is getting clearer and clearer for me. There is no life left within the old places. And my soul only feels at home in the place where I am free to feel my own heart beating, the place where I am able to breathe a free breath in harmony with ocean of life that falls and rises, rises and falls within me when I choose to live my life in harmony with the Universal Stream. Then I know that I am whole, that I am wanted, that I am loved, that I am enough.