Emotional Overwhelm

I am not expressing my emotions as much today but I woke in such a state of intense PTSD activation and overwhelm this morning, feeling almost as if I was being blown to pieces..Mornings have not been this bad for some time.

It is my Mum’s birthday today, the 3rd birthday since she passed on 12 Dec 2017 and so my mind is very much on my sister in hospital.. It took me until about 11 to get my body moving today and I felt like I was in mid breakdown. Jasper was also having some trouble breathing in response today so I forced us out on a longer walk than normal and then came home and made a lunch of marinated tofu, steamed asparagus and coleslaw as I did not have a lot of other stuff for lunch and I had toast with avocado for breakfast but not until about 12 am. Just managing to eat was a huge achievement.

The conflict with Scott has really hurt me and dragged me back. I have to stop focusing on it.. I told him last night that I will not accept being blamed and misjudged for something that happened due to me not being well and I am feeling disappointed with myself and so resentful of how many times I gave over my boundary.. I know I am going on about it a lot but this hurt so much I need to keep giving it a voice.. I will not be treated with such disrespect but setting boundaries can make me feel sad at times.. very sad.. I broke up with my last partner over a birthday issue, that was not the whole of it.. I can understand Scott was disappointed but to blame me and dump it all on me is not fair. If I don’t stand by myself what do I really have? Never the less it has left me in a very painful and deeply lonely place. I cannot lie.

I need to get to see my sister soon.. Its nearly 2.35 pm and I would like to be there just after 3. Everything else is done today. I need to focus on the fact that despite this being a hard time of year I have managed to keep up with the garden and walking my dog and practicing as much self care as I can.

It also helped to hear part of a very good interview with writer Matt Haig on radio yesterday about anxiety and depression. . I don’t know if you know of him but he has written a very good books about his experience of having a depressive breakdown in his late 20s (hope I have the timing right), Reasons to Stay Alive as well as a more recent one on anxiety called Notes On A Nervous Planet. He is also a novelist. In the interview he spoke of how depression returned him to the state of his inner self and made him focus on the simple things, like time in nature, and walking.

Despite this he is also a prolific Twitter user which is a double edged sword for him. I love the fact he supports others too via this medium.. It is what I try to do with my blog… . It helps to hear of others experiences when we are struggling so hard as it can feel so very lonely when we hit the kind of period I am in at the moment. At times I am feeling very split off and dissociated and suicidal thoughts have been back.. Having conflict with a loved one is a huge trigger for me of so much past attachment wounding. The fact that I can firmly stand my ground and not cave in, due to the nearly overwhelming anxiety it causes is actually a massive achievement. The battle goes on internally with powerful fire storms in my body, no one can see. I need to give it all a voice when I am struggling. At the moment I am in need of support. I cannot lie.. Its one of the toughest times of year for me.