What of all the trying? Today’s update

I feel the deepest most bone crushing exhaustion with everything today.. I have been having huge digestive attacks this week.. I settled back to sleep this morning after so much intense pulling, I was awake at 6 am and it felt like my body was fighting its way out of something.. The something goes deep into my gut.

Yesterday was an okay day but I did struggle a bit.. I have been staying home in the afternoons but Jasper needed a walk later in the day and after it I got into the garden and got very overwhelmed. I noticed lately I am pacing the compulsive ‘tidying up’ impulse and stopping to breathe and be less in my mentally based anxiety over ‘mess’ or ‘chaos’ but I got a huge stream of attack happening yesterday being in the garden surrounded by all of the overgrowth. The attack also centered on the issue of hand forced at the auction of this place and then finding it impossible to make a move out of it just before Mum died when she encouraged me to buy another property..

What really is at issue here is how much I let others energy drive me and suppress my own. And also how, with the deep theme of hunger left from emotional neglect, I become vulnerable to other’s agendas and struggle with boundaries. This happened with Scott during 2018 and up until October 2019 when I pulled away. And then he pulled me back in in March. I had to fight again to try and hold onto my boundary and as I type this my throat is so sore.. Its like a silent scream lodged deep inside me that asks both for help and for others to STOP FORCING AND HURTING ME. Add to this I get overcome with the ancestral stuff and partly think its not healthy at all. Then I get huge waves of emotion tinged with thoughts of stuffing up and then I lose my way to serenity and my vision gets clouded. I noticed from late yesterday afternoon there is a film of black shadows appearing before my eyes, as I rotate my eyes the film of black which is like a thin cloudy outline moves.. It is most bizarre. I am also a little anxious about getting this present for Lewis my grand nephew.. I looked online for a good book and came up with an Adventure book about adventurous secret places I think he will like. His Mum recommended Lego but I know he loves reading and so I suggested a book but then I thought maybe he would prefer the Lego. Truth is I would prefer to give him a book and I hope that is not being self centered of me.

Anyway I am sure everything will be fine when I pop around to their place at 11 am on Saturday, I have so much anxiety around family and part of me feels I should just be centering on my own life but possibly the two are not mutually exclusive. Last thing I want to be doing is invading their space.

I chose to write a little today just to bring myself out of this energy downspiral. Jasper and I made it out but I had to keep him on the lead at the Peace Park due to all the baby ducks and cygnets.. Then I pulled on his neck a bit harshly and so we didn’t get our free unbridled walk today.. I hate battling his energy and keeping him on the lead but sometimes I wish he was more obedient, its just that that is not the way I have raised him. Anyway I apologised later. I had my own exhuberance curtailed so I hate re-enacting that upon him. It doesn’t make me feel good. I will re start our wild bush walks from now on.

Oh and a moment ago my sister ACTUALLY CALLED ME. The doctor has told her it is time for her go home from hospital. She doesn’t want to leave. That’s another connundrum. Much as I love her being with her in such a contracted state all the time makes me feel anxious and constipated.. That is the truth. .I want my separate life.. There I have said it!!