Back in the hospital

My body is really registering all of this twisting energy at the moment.. I had the feeling in therapy of being held and twisted and today I had the sense of being back in skeletal traction in hospital with the upper part of my lower left leg being pinned through with a steel rod attached to a brace and sand bag while the other leg was free.. Often I would twist myself by standing up holding the strap support on the bed in order to get my right foot on the ground. I spent up to two hours each morning after I awake in various forms of the freeze/entrapament state doing breathing and pumping and twisting uncoiling my body.. On Friday night when I woke with a start at around 1 am the sensations in my body almost drove me out of my mind…it must have been the virus just kicking into gear all of my Complex PTSD residues.

Anyway a moment ago I just supported my body under the right hip as I felt that powerful sense of being back in that hospital bed. It was only a few years later Dad got his diagnosis of cancer around this time in October. He is on my mind a lot at the moment.. And the sad thing is I tried to tell Scott how much pain I was in on Friday and it seemed to mean nothing to him, he seemed more interested in getting the money for his celebration which makes me feel I am a shit person for suffering and being unable to help when THE REVERSE IS TRUE. I battle all of these long term affects from a trauma no one could even see or understand all made worse by that second head injury and I have to battle it all alone.

I have the deep sense lately there is no one I can help now but me.. No one is showing up to help me and I just get resentful being pulled in by people who seem to only need things of me, and not be capable of giving anything back. Maybe its just the way of life now.. each person out for themselves, maybe its just the way life is.