It always lovely to be ‘seen’ and ‘got’. A friend I really respect a lot told me along time ago she feels most mental illness comes from not being seen, understood or ‘got’.. It can happen and it happens a lot in families. In mine I got the message continually ‘something was wrong with me.’ I was ‘too deep’, ‘needed to lighten up’, and in later years as my unresolved history started to break free would have been better ‘being with people and getting a day job!” That one really cracks me up today as I consider it and I think of others struggling with judgement from families who were chose for the soul pathway..
Awakening to it all takes time.. Reading back my inner journals earlier I felt the understandings emerging.. I was struggling being with family after getting sober, my brother actually thought I wasnt drinking in late 1993 as I was pregnant. What a rude shock for him when I stopped drinking.. I thank my lucky stars for sobriety to be honest.. I didn’t stay ‘in the rooms’ for all of my sobriety but I thank God for the 6 years of active involvement that included running a Wednesday lunch time meeting for many months. I seem to be sharing a bit about AA lately as its coming up to my birthday.. so I notice at this time of year I get pulled back into a lot of retrospection, that goes along with transiting Mercury retrograde too.
I just had a little break while writing this to read some posts and was so moved by the sharing of a person’s grief over the loss of her son, an Indigo Child.. When I read what Ally wrote about “indigos” it resonated with me and actually made me cry.. I thought too of my niece who I believe to be one.. I now know not ‘fitting in’ is par for the course with me. I do find places where my deep soul feels at home.. I think of all the love I have continued to give family who struggled but I also realise that I have a gift to be able to have sustained myself on the realisation that medication and misdiagnosis was never a good path for me.
Learning to accept and love my sensitive nature and not side against it in a world so often cruel or antagonistic towards depth, inward attunement and sensitivity has taken time. It strikes me as such a sad thing I came to feel such shame for just being who I was.. My trying to ‘fit in’ only ending up hurt me…I wasn’t made to live in a box and I have to be careful of the pulls of those who in ‘drowning’ seem to want to try and take me down sometimes… We each have a responsibility to help but not to take on what is not our karma.. When I do that its very bad for me as its going against the natural law. In my opinion. And we all have a right to be seen. If others won’t do it, lets us not erase aspects of ourselves just to feel ‘safe.’
Emerging From The Dark Night 
I am only just starting to realize how much of my pain is from those closest to me not “seeing me”. It feels they are often speaking and interacting with the person they are projecting on me. It makes interacting challenging.
It surprises me but I find, when I try to, I can often see others. They appear like children to me, precious. It’s painful to me. I’m not sure why. So much beauty. Interestingly, I can not say I ever can see myself in that light of understanding and love. My brain sort of just goes blank if I try.
Often I find when I interact with others I lose sight of who they really are. I am not sure why that happens. But I suspect it is because the light is not bright enough within me yet, darkness often dims my light in me as opposed to me bringing light to the darkness of confusion. I wonder if this happens because I can not see myself clearly yet? I suspect when one sees another or themselves clearly, love naturally rises up. Maybe that’s what it means to love. To see the truth, the beautiful truth.
❤️
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Projection is so complex.. I have only lately been able to really see hold and comfort me inner child.. I know she is very close to my soul and had to go into hiding a long time ago.
I am dealing with someone projecting so much on me right now.. I find it so painful.. I sometimes feel when they send these long winded ‘love’ messages its all about them and their inner trip.. I get exasperated but then I get in trouble for saying so, as if I broke their heart..
I just feel the recognition we long for has to come from within. and we need to see the way modern society is geared and operates.
You have one half of that process under your belt.. now its just about embracing the whole of you and your vulnerable parts.. I think….
Big hug.. xo<3
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That is wonderful you have been able to find your inner child and offer her comfort. I feel that is such a big part in healing. Our inner child beginning to be seen and accepted after so long.
I find interacting with those closest to me is the biggest struggle. Like you described I find that if I am honest about my feelings in the moment the other person often gets defensive. It’s as if everything has to stay surface level. But where is the life in that. With time I’m hoping to learn the art of being vulnerable and honest but in a way others can remain with me as opposed to feeling attacked in some way.
I agree completely though, I do think what we long for has to come from within. I imagine it comes through a finding and accepting all of us, an integration, like you described too. I sometimes get impatient with this all, but I try to remind myself this journey will be a very long one. And to note and enjoy the progress I am making.
Hope you are well, and have a peaceful and joyful weekend. 💕
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This is wonderful and sorry to be slow reading your comments.. I took time out just to read a book today not having felt all that well.
I understand totally what you say about others defensiveness. I think you are an empath and many get challenged as empaths see below the surface and if we are honest about that inner stuff people get scared.. Does this make sense to you?
You are so right it has to come from within. But it is just so lovely when someone outside of you gets it too.
Hope yours was a lovely weekend too.. Its Sunday night here right now.
Much love..
(oh and you aren’t the only impatient one 🙂 )
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Whatever speed you read my comments is no problem to me. Hope you are on the mend. 🙂
I have seen the word “empath” before but I haven’t looked much into it before. Looking into it now it does seem right, and your description of seeing the inner stuff and making people uncomfortable if I mention it seems right too. I’ve always sort of assumed everyone feels the way I feel. Not sure how true or false that is though.
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Or maybe it is just a case of being a person of ,’knowing’ ..that is what I sense deep inside you.
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This is so me. It’s often hardest when those closest to you don’t see,truly hear or understand you. Makes you feel so alone some somedays. x
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It really does.. We all just long to be seen in a world so often fixated in other directions and determined not to see us.
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Its awakening Process… 🙂
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So true. thanks for sharing your thoughts..
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