you know too well the stony wasteland, a place where longing for the warmth and comfort of others and for attention and love, was so long absent.. now you sit among the crowd, knowing there is not much point to turn your gaze without, everyone seems to live in their own world and they cannot seem to see you, and why should they, isn’t it just up to you to see yourself, to know your own heart?
You open up his text messages of love, it seems too hard to believe the words “without you I am just an empty cymbal, and a well of treasure with you”, It seems appropriate for someone who needed your treasure and so you cannot quite believe it.. After this tears start to fall, earlier you were dancing along the cliff top amidst the daisies and wild flowers, Jasper by your side, tasting those oh so brief and fleeting glimpses of freedom and happiness. The thought came to you that you could, by an act of will, turn away from all that drained you and seek from now on in, to fill your own cup, for the truth is that life often feels more full of love alone than it does when you are out there, in a world of strangers, or being seduced by beautiful words, When more tears fall after a cup of coffee on the way home, you think of the opportunities for real love that passed you by, because it felt too selfish to reach for your heart’s desire and fear of hurting others blocked the way. In the end the wrong ones walked away anyway.. But you know also, at some level it would have been breaking an old pattern to reach for your heart’s desire and possibly the promise of getting what suited you, was so unlike your earlier experiences of loss, absence and deprivation, so it felt wrong.
The truth is that you do not fully trust in a love that would stay and so, so often you walk away or turn your back on need as your suspicious mind questions the gift of love…wondering is trusting and opening your heart the way to freedom or only a path that leads further and further into illusion?.. I guess the truth will only be revealed, with time.
Emerging From The Dark Night 