Love seems to surround me on some mornings..as I feel all the grief and am glad for the day before I could extend myself to front up for loved ones, that to me is the affirmation of love – action in the world, not just sitting around talking about it. There is the extension of your heart and soul to meet another EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE.. WITH NO HIDDEN AGENDA BUT TO BE THERE AND LOVE. And it seems to me this is what we give to ourselves first of all and most importantly when we allow in all the joy and pain and struggle and shattered dreams along with happy memories and times we were just there to care and share.
I did a lot of singing this morning.. I just had to the hear the Hollies song The Air That I Breathe today, and I sang my lungs out.. its good practice for the symptoms of breathlessness and arrest that always accompany my morning PTSD as I spiral and uncoil..
It was a movement into grief for me when the next song on the playlist rang out its opening bars He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother.. as I stretched and did my yoga an outpouring of grief for my dead sister flooded out of me along with memories of how heavy she became in later life, but I always loved it to be with her, even at those times my non acceptance of the entire sad trajectory of her life dominated.. in the end her life was as it was, and I am grateful I could come back and spend those final 4 years with her, not that I could see her as much when Mum was so unwell and my other sister tried to take her life the year before coming out of several hospitalisations for anxiety and depression.
I thought too, while listening to the lyrics of the song how true they are but the impulse is negated by a society in which relatives may be all forms of ‘toxic’, its harder to be around them and front up for any abuse… and I can understand that but I do believe our soul chooses our family for a reason, maybe to learn certain lessons or strengthen in us qualities we need.. even if its just to learn to stick up for ourselves, that said when we finally realise the way they act IS ABOUT THEM AND NOT US WE ARE FREER and we all play our roles in the family system. Freedom comes with the surrendering of those roles on some level, I guess. Some family members seem to be determined not to move out of old roles, which is sad.. But the true love between siblings is a special thing and the bond you share may never be broken even if and when you find distance is essential. We are all capable of change.
I was blessed this week to receive a beautiful book on love and attachment recommeded to me by a valued follower recently called Love Sense it’s a beautifully written meditation on love by a therapist that includes latest research on attachments and love relationships. I then read Benny K’s most recent post on a friend who is marrying soon and thought of the power of love, how some say it has to come from within before we can find it without, but then that can negate the power of our earliest attachments upon us, for only in time can we understand the effect of those.. To me it seems the desire to love and be love is so deeply embedded in us that only terrible pain could block it in some way. I also know that the times I was most alone and needed someone and someone was there it has literally saved my life on more than one occasion.
It was good to cry about my older sister today. I don’t need for that sorrow to leave me, it is a deep part of my soul. I thought of a post I read a few days ago where someone was beating themselves up for not being able to let something go, it seemed to me they were forcing the issue as healing our hearts from loss, pain, abuse, trauma or neglect takes a lot of time and a lot of love from ourselves and others.. And some of us do not find the others to help, sadly… so many hidden wounds go unrecognised or fall into silence, it seems to me, in a world often hell bent on erasing the long term impact upon a vulnerable human heart and soul from shattered or lost attachments.
Loss of love, hurt in love makes us withdraw in self protection and I have been listening over and over to Sam Smith’s song Too Good At Goodbyes a lot lately.. he speaks in that song of how the impact of loss makes us step back and we do have to withdraw into the cave of our own hearts to find the love after the hurt and to understand the powerful impact upon us of human disappointment, abandonment or betrayal. Truth is there is comfort in solitude. There is healing in alone time. There are transpersonal powers we can call upon, or summon up, angels, demons, loving inner mothers and fathers, wise inner protectors like the Raven that comforted my friend Alex while he under went horrific abuse at the hands of his mother while his father was away. These inner forces may help us to contain what otherwise may prove to be unbearable levels of feeling and pain.
I found my own inner sources back in 2006 following my head trauma on the back of my divorce and I contacted them in writing and meditation often over the next 3 years, they offered me love, insight, empathy, attunement, understanding and yes, love. At that point I had to summon those things up from deep within as they could not be found in the outside world and then I met a man determined to push all my abuse buttons and who personified the inner critical voice that lately I have been working so hard to overcome in therapy and through my journalling.. As I examine this inner figure it is also collective and amalgam of all my ancestors suffered in terms of misunderstanding and buried emotions. I see that relationship as necessary to me now and soul chosen for the next stage in my unfolding and becoming.
Today I feel love all around me.. I didnt get a text from Scott this morning but I loved myself into the morning. I bathed, I sang, I dressed in clothes that I love, I put on a little bit of make up, I then cuddled Jasper and made a yummy breakfast even allowing myself a couple of pikelets with my pan roasted baby tomato, bacon and fried egg. Soon we will head out for a walk and a lovely cup of coffee. I feel so blessed to be sober today..
I had a really good visit with my sis yesterday too. I saw real signs of improvement in her, she told me she took herself off for a long walk yesterday, while sitting with her in the lounge area she opened up to speak to another resident, she asked me a lot of questions and when i left she gave me a huge hug. I cried a lot this morning when I thought of the Christmas I would not go with her and Mum to the coast and her son ended up savaging my sister when she found it hard to get out of bed and then sent her and my Mum home on the bus because they ‘ruined his happy Christmas”.. that was the anniversary of my Dad’s death and I could not help that think if I had gone I could have stuck up for them. As it was that Christmas I had horrendous nose bleeds that started on 23 December and didn’t abate until 27th. I was passing clots the size of tennis balls down the sink. Past is past but it just felt too unsafe to be with them all on that Christmas.
Thinking about it I read this about the North Node in Leo this week, it was saved in my WP drafts folder.
A critical lesson that needs to be learnt in this lifetime by Leo North Node individuals is to let go of past life behavioural patterns of detaching from emotional situations. A conscious attempt needs to be made by these individuals to become actively involved in emotional exchange – to relate to others in a more feeling oriented way by honestly communicating what is in their hearts rather than over reliance on impersonal, intellectual responses or total withdrawal from the emotional situation.
That really seems to resonate for right now.. I do take refuge in my head and even psychological ideas at times as the risk of fully engaging emotionally at times fills me with fear and dread. I can only own this as Mars moves back wards closer and closer into trine with my North Node and ascendant over the next month. Its time for me to start showing up more and getting into my body in the best ways. .. Sometimes it seems I have been half dead and grieving my past for an entire lifetime, but now I so long to move ahead and forward to embrace the specialness of this one very ordinary but oh so magical life as it presents itself to me on any day.. for love is ; showing up, opening up, fronting up, all in combination with healthy boundaries and self care.
Sam Smith has Venus in Taurus in square to natal Saturn in Aquarius which relates to a fear of loss in relationships.. I thought he may have Moon Saturn.. His Sun in Taurus also opposes natal Pluto in Scorpio which an intense depth of suppressed longing and emotion.
Emerging From The Dark Night 