A universe of beauty : late afternoon reflections

I had some dark sucked down moments today… contemplating the separations that sometimes dog me I reached out for contact and connection and this afternoon took myself out to have a coffee, read some more of the beautifully written novel I am currently reading Nothing But Blue Sky and then to visit the library, I also bought myself a pair of butterfly earrings..

Jasper greeted me when I got home.. How lucky am I to share my life with an animal companion who puts up with me.. He’s always patient, except on walks, like today when I stop for a while and sit too long on a park bench, I try to compensate by giving him lots of free off lead time down by the canal to chase ducks to his heart’s content to make up for it.. Just seeing him so free and happy and fully engaged in life, excitement and movement in that context gives my heart and soul a lift.

I am lucky to love reading, too. Books continually beautify my universe. This afternoon I finished off my second novel The Temple House Vanishing and loved it, it’s a gothic murder mystery but unlike any murder mystery you would ever read and I am full of admiration for the writer, Rachel Donohue who is, interestingly from Dublin, Ireland as Nothing But Blue Sky features two Irish characters and covers some of the ‘troubles’, a reminder that back in 1981 when I did a year of honors in political science I did an lot of research for a thesis and presentation on the troubles in Northern Ireland..

I am in awe of how novelists bring together such disparate themes and weave them so artfully into an engaging work of fiction.. I aspire sometimes to do some fiction writing but I know I don’t have the training, or maybe it has more to do with imagination. So I just stick to poetry and some of my own journalling, at least for these years that I am working through therapy.

Afternoons are the best time really, but Jasper is wandering around a bit restlessly right now, grumbling at passers by, or neighbors arriving home from work (as its just after 5 pm here right now.) His restlessness also alerts me to the fact it is time to go feed my dog and then prepare my own meal.

My sister was so strongly on my mind today.. I felt so sad today for her and had a chat with a family friend who says she is trying her best to support her, when she grumbles over something like not liking her hair, our friend offers to take her to the hairdressers.. I hope for the day my sister wants to live again. Over the months she finally got out of hospital at this time last year we began to see more of each other, it was not always easy but I had her over for dinner quite a lot, and we even managed to go to the coast, as well as catch up with her family for her grandkid’s birthdays.

Mum is also on my mind at present, her ghost often hovers in the shadows as I feel her whispering messages to me in the late afternoon.. In the later novel the dead spirit of the murder victim continues to visit those who affected her in life, the final chapter is interesting to read from the perspective, interweaving the worlds of life and death as it does

It occurs to me that on any day sometimes I feel the pull of death or the dead, as well as the past in terms of nostalgia, association and memory calling on me, while at others love for the beauty of the present reminds me to be grateful that I am still very much alive. At times lately I feel the desire to be alive again and connected to others rise up along with the most vast sadness for all the years of isolation, disconnection, mistrust, and sorrow, and just writing this makes me aware of how everything continues to oscillate.. So often we are told to ‘live in the present’ but maybe the past is always present in some way, the point being that it may tend to capture us unawares the less we are paying attention.. Allowing it all to rise and fall seems to work for me, for life is to be lived not only theorised about and life is very much about what stream of various energies that flow within and around me on any day dependent on what actions I take and how deeply I center within or without.. Getting out of the house takes me into the now, being alone at home for too long, sometimes engages me a more lonely place.