Finding a way to be alive ; today’s reflections.

I feel a lot is happening in terms of challenges to my energy and to live as true to myself as possible at the moment.. It’s not an easy path with my sister still in hospital.. I just felt impelled to go visit her yesterday.. but i felt very spun out when I got home.. Her shock treatment is ended and the irony of shock being used when we lived with so much of it growing up is not lost on me at all. I wake with it in my system and Saturdays are intense around the time of my crash which must have happened sometime between 8.30 and 8.45.

Even though I know it was years ago the vibrational imprint seems to live on in some way, as is the belief that if I live and move out into the world I will be killed. Its such an unspoken thing this charge of resistance but I notice lately as soon as I can force myself to get out in the car the energy shifts and I am no longer as sucked under.. its so hard to articulate it and so much has been running over my mind today of how when I made the attempt to go forward again in 2005 the forces around me, both inner and outer tried to pull me back.

I got discouragement from someone in the program when I needed encouragement which thwarted a great opportunity I had to work in a bookshop.. and I see how damaging that was at the time (but who knows, maybe it was all meant to be)… It happened so I have to accept it as part of the path. Then the second head trauma happened and I am still not out of it as when you get a major head blow such as I did it affects your gut so much.. I remember being all alone over in the UK and having no one at all and how I lay in the ICU with nausea flooding me and feeling so terrified knowing I had no support at all.

That nausea has been around for the past day or so maybe with Mars moving backwards and due to meet up with Saturn by square in 2 days. Whenever I go out I am getting blocked, either by a slow driver on the road, or someone taking ages to do something close to where i need to do something too but they are in the way.. I have really had to hold my fire but I had a huge outburst with my dog Jasper on Friday night when he continually tried to get out a door I had to close to stop the cold coming in even as I showed him another door that was open he could have used.. I just flew into a rage with him, I didn’t hurt him but I screamed the house down then got a hairbrush and flung it around an empty room to let off steam. This then reminded me of being hit by a flying hairbrush when Mum flew into a rage or being hit so hard on the bare backside with one bristles up I could not sit down for a few days. Getting super activated even writing about that.. Anyway I apologised to Jasper later but still felt like an utter bitch… .

Today I have been awake since about 6 am, its getting lighter here each day and it reminds me how important the change of seasons is to us energetically.. I got up and ate early and did some gardening but when I started to overdo it I had to sit quietly.. prior to this Jasper and I were having some lovely calm moments of deep peace and silent connection sitting hip to hip in the full sun.. I was watching how responsive he is to the air and how his nose moves to sniff what is on the breeze and then how he jumps to attack when a fly buzzes past with such immediate instinctive movement..

Animals can help us see what it means to live unblocked as Peter Levine has noticed they do not allow the neocortex to over ride more primal impulsive reactions in trauma unless actively held down or prevented from throwing it off somehow. However with humans when the two brain systems go haywire as they do in trauma by us being forceably held down or unable to flee or take action to protest it is then that all of our later troubles in coming alive again without encompassing life threatening fear begin For example waking up for me mimics coming ‘too’ after the trauma each morning for those of us who got hurt badly or nearly died.. and our symptoms mimic those of the trauma at the time and become almost debilitating.. no one who does not have that kind of trauma could ever understand and if you were held down by someone and violated its so hard to..If you were not allowed to fight back or that was the wrong thing as you were being flooded in a life threatening situation where others were trying to help you (like paramedics) maybe someone coming close is a trigger for an outburst of rage and a self protective inner voice may go on needlessly trying to thwart an ‘attack’ which actually happened years ago.

I was conscious yesterday when I visited my sister of how little she talks.. I seem to all the talking but not only about recent things, about our past.. I ask her questions now too about stuff I didnt know as the youngest in a family that revolved around the running of two businesses. I told her yesterday how the frustration of our older brother making no steps to release our inheritance reminds me that as the youngest you often feel you are fighting so hard to extricate yourself from wet cement that is slowly drying.. its hard to explain but maybe too I have looked to others too much and then I think that I just carried it all for Mum and Dad they were so flat out managing life there was so little left to give me any necessary attention especially after Judy came so badly unstuck and that is when my addiction really started to kick in.

Anyway while I talked she just sat silently sometimes looking up, sometimes down tracing patterns on the hospital bedspread that is covered in silver concentric circles with her hands.. I know those patterns so well as I must have visited her in that place over the past 8 years at least 50 times by now.. So often after Mum died I would take her out each weekend and it was a big pull as I was working through my own grief. That said when I had the tooth removed in January she was there for me in terms of calling to see how I was so that was at least something but then I felt the trip to the coast was all for the purposes of getting my things out of there so there would me not more trace of me left in the place I retreated to after my ex husband left with all of the unresolved grief of my 20s to late early 30s. Anyway all in the past … I just never seem to be really seen on an inner level at all by them.

Over past weeks I have had the slowly growing realisation that anxiety is just life energy.. and we need to move with it not let it block us.. Someone shared recently how their fear of how they feel in their body when exercising sometimes makes them stop.. I relate to this as the elevated heart rate and shortness of breath may seem scary to us and mimic times air was stolen by trauma, abuse or inter family threat. Anxiety may also be related to repressed anger or grief.. A conversation with a special blogger mate the other day made me realise how often strong Mars energy feels threatening to me.. He was asking me if I watched the program Vikings and telling me how powerful the woman warriors where but if you grew up with an animus possessed mother that energy doesnt feel good to you and you may cave in in the face of it. . later in life getting angry or protesting may end in grief too as friends sideline you for outbursts they see as ‘irrational’.

My tummy feels a little sore writing this but I have managed to get to the markets to get my weekly fruit and veg as well as some meaty bones for Jasper and I have managed to eat lunch as well as do some gardening.. I wasnt able to blog or go online at all yesterday only to message a friend OS. In a way I am glad I visited my sister. I just think I cannot fully pull back all of the time, there are times I need to engage, I just have to watch when boundaries get blurred and when I may be taking on things not mine.. That said my sister does need support and help with things.. Mum had no siblings and it was a source of great sadness for her.. She would watch the neighbor’s kids play from her back step all alone as Nana had to work and she was home alone and cry, she often told me this…now we have all of this distance in our family which is so sad. When told my sister I had called her son she said to me “Why?” I said, “Sue, if I didn’t call him we would just have no relationship and I don’t want that, though sometimes I just think maybe I need to walk away completely” .. I would at least like to try to make an effort.. My sister is not even doing the courtesy of calling back a very close friend who supports her all the time but has broken her wrist.. That makes me sad but its not my business… We just cannot always expect others to keep reaching out if we don’t…

I needed to debrief today.. that is the purpose of this post.. I know that I have both a lot of grief and anger over things that have happened in my life.. I know I have been hurt but at times I too have retreated from life too much and not tried to move into life as it all felt too deeply painful and hard.. That said solitude is a great healer, its where we go to meet and know our true selves. Knowing when I need to reach out engage and when I need to do that internally rather than projecting it externally for the purposes of knowing myself better in relation to others takes time.

On that note I would like to close with this lovely song I heard for the first time today on my YouTube playlist. Sometimes I like to think the angels send these songs but I am sure their is also a rational scientific explanation like technological algorithms!!!