Evolution of self : what it means to me

The following post is one prompted by Alex of Evolution of Self.. He asked me to share what Evolution of Self means to me.. I hope I got the challenge right as in he meant it as a concept and not in relation to his blog but here goes. My true self is constantly evolving and seeking to express itself in the world, happiness comes for me with this liberation.

Evolution of Self means most for me : a movement from the false to the real… The world I encounter outside of myself may not have been able to help me unfold the true spirit inside of me due to its limitations, defences and road blocks. Or, to use another analogy, the seed of my self may have been planted in difficult terrain, it may have not received in its early years enough of the right soil, food, compost, water and sunshine to grow completely, it may have got damaged as a result. In addition parts of others may have found their way into me and left me with a confusion at times as to my real self, this does not happen to everyone but I know many who have struggled in this way. For us evolution of the self means we work to uncover what is true and real and perform the hard and sometimes painful work of expelling what was erroneous or damaging while work to transform or transcend it.

I came across a reading while in the midst of contemplating what i needed to write in this post Alex asked me to write from the daily reader Hope for Today..in essence it is about how fear limits us from fully blooming..

Recently I reflected on a beautiful bouquet of flowers. While inhaling the exquisite fragrance of the open blossoms, I found myself wishing the closed buds would open. Then I recalled seeing flowers whose buds never opened or unfolded.

Sometimes I have trouble opening up and unfolding – letting go – into my true magnificence. I often restrain myself for fear that others will misunderstand me and criticize me. Applying this idea in the context of flowers, holding back might mean I am trying to hide my true shape and design. When I look at it this way, holding back seems a sad misuse of energy. (flowers) remind me to relinquish false reserve and to allow my own particular bloom to develop to its brightest, most fragrant so that I can claim my right place.

I believe that many of us may have been feared or filled up with fear by our caregivers, just possibly we may have been too much for them or they may have transplanted some of their own fears or restrictions or shame into us. This was most certainly true for me and its only since inner work in therapy and being given the ‘gift’ of a letter my mother wrote to a niece in law that I learned this. On the other side my seed was often ‘neglected’ by my family that is why I now see my most essential task for evolution of my true self is that I no longer neglect, abandon or betray myself and my light and potential. I do this best by owning up to any damage, examine where and how fear and shame may have held me back and try the best I can to understand what brought me to this essential point in my evolution, as well as how I can grow and blossom more truly from now on in, despite any past damage.

Self abandonment and self rejection was what I learned growing up and I do believe much of our culture is steeped in shame and too much external focus at times.. We are asked to fit in rather than stand out and sometimes wounding early relationships make it impossible to join with others for a common purpose or to experience the true intimacy of two authentic souls relating

AA taught me how I used alcohol to cover over the fear and insecurity I felt as myself especially as a teenager, as a younger child I remember having more honest life energy to express, but slowly over time that died as I hit roadblocks while trying so hard to manage the traumatic things and abandonments I experience in my family of origin.

A friend of mine in AA recently told me of a book that helped him to discover himself and face his fear of being that self Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am. I have also been quoted Shakespeare after meetings where I shared my fears : “to thine own Self be true.” Many of us may fear being our true selves and so adopt a false one, we may feel or fear the confrontations with the truth of others, or being rejected if we stand up or seem out of line or step with others.

Buddhists say the self is a construct that needs to be let go of, I would prefer to say its the neurotic ego that needs to adapt and change and open to experiences as well as be honest in trying to get a better grip of its neurosis while understanding the authentic lively life energy of our spirit that may have got covered over in mud or excrement. That said that neurotic ego has a reason for existing because so many of us get wounded and hurt or lost and betrayed growing up, such hurts or wounds may actually lead us onto a very creative pathway. The Buddhists also say that our true nature is wholeness and goodness, no matter what murky things built up over time to cloud the brilliant truth of this, so in some ways evolution of the self is a lot like polishing the jewel or sitting with all the mud in order to see what emerges in time of truths covered over before.

For me evolution of self does have a lot to do with facing and embracing fear and accepting it into my heart rather than trying to wage a huge battle with it.. I take my counsel from the part of the battle where Hercules had to fight the fearsome nine headed hydra, in that battle trying to cut off its heads meant more grew back.. It was only when Hercules genuflected to the beast and raised it up into the light its heads transformed into beautiful jewels…. so it is with our fear or any other defences or limitations.. we don’t get far in waging war with them and such battles may speak even more loudly about our fear than anything else.

It resonates with me when Kyle Grey says that fear shows us something has value or is important to us, if we run and try to deny that importance then we don’t get to grow and develop and fashion a life allied to our heart and soul’s truest purpose. To me fear needs to be faced rather than run from and its roots understood. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, its allowing ourselves to act in spite of it.

It is also a profound psychic truth to me that the full expression of our true self in those of us who had aspects of it thwarted or nearly killed off may bring up enormous anxiety and fear.. Defying the old introjects of shame, guilt and a ‘bad’ self (internalised voices) means trembling for a while on the brink of change as we face them. They may assume the face or energy of a monster or witch within us that may trap us deep down inside..

For me self limitation is just that, even if my limiting thoughts came from false things I was told about myself by anyone outside of myself that I absorbed into my self.. I have to die to them in some way, so for me evolution of self also means I come to embrace the truth I have a right to be here, I have a right to be imperfect and flawed, I can say I do not know when I do not and I do know when I do. It also involves shedding layers and sometimes when I come down to the core it may have gone rotten due to lack of light and love.. so evolution of the self is a kind of psychic surgery to bring this out into the healing light of day… For this I need those around me capable of insight and empathy who will validate the hidden goodness inside of me. Not be so pushed aside by the wounded, scared self that may assume the face of a monster.

The writer Mark Nepo has written some lovely lines about the emerging of our light and spirit that dovetails with the idea of an evolution of self. I would like to share them as I work to wrap up this post.

everything in life has an inner quality that emanates from its center. That emanation of life force coming out of everything is Spirit. And the sensation of that life force moving out of us into the world is the sensation of being fully alive. .. we we become alive and open – we are awakening (but that is not a permanent state) That light is often covered over when we live the mundane life but it has the capacity to break through(and this may often happen through shock or times of breakdown. (The process of awakening or evolving) can be a willful commitment to learning and growing and listening and loving; or it can be a process we don’t look for that breaks us open, wears us down, or jars us into seeing. (We are).. blessed in those moments in which love softens us and suffering wears us down or light comes through.

End of quote

This life force that gives us light and life is to me allied to the spirit and the Self, it is something that we contain within the container of our body, but is not the body, it animates the body until the time comes for it to pass on.. So the ultimate evolution of self may be to exit this container and then pass on to the next phase of its evolution. If you read the work of spiritual mediators or listen to the testament of those who pass to the other side you will understand there is more learning to take place when we pass over and get to see the lessons we learned or failed to learn as well as the grief we may have caused through our unhealed wounds.

I have felt my self evolve through the deaths of loved ones too as their spirits vacated earthly domiciles and I was enabled to carry on a connection or conversation that helped me to process so much through those relationships by connecting to the liminal space. Sometimes it took death for forgiveness to come and for that soul’s impact to be understood. And I have felt the pleas for forgiveness. To my mind evolution of self may be something that goes on for eternity.

For me the self is continually evolving and I believe, as Jung did, that it tries to get our attention through pain and symptoms and dreams. There is deeper far more eternal part of us that seeks always to unfold itself and will push to do so even if at times we do not fully understand how or why, learning what this evolution entails is all part of the exceedingly complex mystery that life is..

In closing I do believe that without love any evolution of self would be an impossibility as love opens what fear keeps closed.. By its very nature love allows the unfolding from within ourselves and real self of ourself and others the facilitating of the expression of that which is most honest, authentic, true and real for our spirit.