The stark clarity of facing death

I wrote this post quite a few months ago and tonight after reading a post on the loss of loved ones in 9/11 I thought to publish it finally.. Something about facing death makes us value life, it also reveals to us the gift, as well as the magic and mystery of it.

Having nearly lost my life once and having been diagnosed with cancer I know that facing the possibility of the extinction of life is not all bad. I was able to sit with my sister in the final hours of her death in 2014 and with my Mum I chose to let go and go about my day when she reached the state where she was so highly drugged she could not respond. My sister and brother stayed the entire day but Mum did wait until my sister left to go to an appointment to let go into death. Sadly when my father died when I was 23 I did not see him the night before as I had had some shots for travelling overseas and I was not well. I did not get to say a proper goodbye and it haunted me for years, I never got that completion until my much loved Godfather died in 2004 and his family kindly let me see his body and say goodbye. At Uncle Piet’s funeral I was able to release a lot of the grief over Dad’s loss I had buried and self medicated during my years of active addiction (which worsened and intensified following his death and other losses of men I loved in my life.)

As I write this too one of my favourite characters on the drama Neighbours has just died on the beach held in the arms of her partner. Death it seems is really all around me at the moment. Today I have been thinking, after the shock of my sister having further cancer found of those days where I confronted the truth that I too had cancer. I got the diagnosis one day before my 54th birthday. Luckily mine was only early stage but never the less I got those moments of stark reality where I saw with great intensity how miraculous life really is. Facing the prospect of illness, loss or death can make us realise what is most important. Those grievances we formerly may have held against someone close can disappear and the slate is somehow wiped clean.

On another level my breast cancer also brought up intense pain for my own emotional neglect and abuse that I had suffered and accepted at the hands of my last partner who finally broke the relationship off 5 years earlier. I was not surrounded by a lot of support in my illness. A good friend from school days stepped in for a few nights but my sister went overseas and my aging mother found it almost impossible to come to the hospital. This hurt as when my sister was ill Mum made a bit more of an effort. Anyway all of this happening to me made some things clearer and I eventually worked my way through all of those painful feelings, but never the less hearing of my sister’s further struggles today has really opened the floodgates but it has also moved me closer towards acceptance.

For the cancer journey is a necessary one. Who knows what is true purpose is. Last night I watched an Australian actor who is much loved called Samuel Johnson perform a dance in honour of his sister Connie who died in 2017 after a long long struggle with cancer. Samuel and Connie were exceedingly close and Samuel in the later years of his sister’s illness got involved in fund raising by cycling long distances. It was very moving to watch Samuel dance last night on the Australian version of Dancing With The Stars a tribute to his sister. I was aware towards the end though of the grief he was struggling to contain and hold in. Host Amanda Keller was herself extremely moved but I smiled a little as she struggled to express her self asking him “do you think this has given you closure” I remembered how one of the survivors of 9/11 who lost his partner to the tragedy was interviewed and spoke of how closure isn’t really something that ever happens when you lose someone you deeply love. Acceptance, yes, maybe. But closure?????!!!! Why? The love goes on, the grief goes on and the connection goes on even in death.

There is something about death that reminds us of life and brings gratitude for things we may just take for granted. There is something about facing the prospect of death that makes us realise what has value for us and what others mean to us. There is something about the final moments when you face the reality that the relationship will transition to an entirely different level that throws so much into stark relief. We may not want to die or lose the ones we love to death, it might be so hard to face the loss but on some level we are being forced to, it is yet another kind of transition that has gifts and lessons for us. For in the end none of us escapes death no matter how hard we bargain in this life, death is the next great adventure, the next stage in the journey of becoming for those who love, those who lose and those who leave.