more to us than we think : finding our guiding north star

Fear can cripple us at times.. I think about fear a lot lately. I see at times how it held me back but also how hard separation has been for me.. I just recalled a post I read yesterday by a person who suffered childhood trauma and neglect. In this post she spoke of how she blamed herself and come to believe things about herself that were not true as result of being neglected, invalidated and blamed.. Apparently this is one of the key symptoms that Jonice Webb talks about in her list of characteristics that affect children of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) (See the book Running on Empty.)

Writing this the name of Highly Sensitive Person writer and therapist’, Elaine Aron’s book The Undervalued Self came into my mind.. Sad that we come to believe we are less than, not capable of as much as we are and founder in self doubt and fear. But it happens and the best we can do is to become aware of how and why we may get put to death while unconsciously participating in the slaughter or fragmenting. Picking up the lost piece of a shattered self takes some time and work and insight and patience as well as courage to take new steps out into the world that may feel risky… We need some encouragement and validation along the way, at least initially if our sense of self was so shattered.

Growing the power to self parent also takes time. I notice more lately how much fear of rejection I live with at times, at times it is almost debilitating. At other times I can say no when it feels like the right thing to do and am surprised so often when it does not mean the end of the relationship. I also see that I struggled a lot in life with splitting.. At times adults around me became all bad or too terrifying.. I then would cut off to save myself when sometimes I need to stay engaged and find the courage to speak my truth. I wonder if many woman and soft gentle men also struggle more in this regard in a harsh society at times.. softness and sensitivity are not always valued in our culture and soft voices may have to find other forms of expression outside the mainstream.

I am working hard lately not to blame myself as much also to find the courage to let my inner child out to play.. I notice I can laugh more after tough times and see the ironical side.. Therapist Thomas Moore claims that a sense of irony is one of the major things that can help us to survive a dark night of the soul. It seems to me that when we take ourselves too seriously over the wrong things that is when hubris manages to get a foot inside the door. There is a form of what Tian Dayton calls dark narcissism which leads us to believe we are worse off or weaker than we are. A balanced sense of humility seems to rest upon being able to see ourselves and others realistically, embrace imperfection as well as laugh and see the funny side while not disparaging what actually has true value (even if negated my forces at large with society and institutions is all so necessary to maintaining some sense of sanity in such crazy times.)

Lately I find myself laughing nearly (though probably not as much) as I cry and feeling more acceptance of what I battled. Who knows at times why we have to struggle so hard, why some of us seem to be facing what my therapist today called strong headwinds. Who knows if we are not the way showers for a new ethos, the canaries in the coal mine who sing to alert the world to danger or toxins or things that are destructive of spirit and life.. This idea is just a thought and something Glennon Doyle addresses in her wonderful book Love Warrior. Undervaluing our true self is such a shame… it may take time to learn we have value when we live outside certain norms… it may take a lot of alone time to anchor into our own truths, even as we feel the sting of rejection, but ultimately we have to find our true north star, one that acts as guide to our soul as to the right way it needs to go to get a little closer to psychic wholeness.