Hard to breathe : today’s reflections

Feeling all inundated this afternoon.. I got to therapy and cried with the pain in my head as I felt all the orthodontic trauma imprints, I was doubled over in pain at one point and crying to both my parents to stop the whole thing, but the truth is I need four teeth taken out before I had the braces in 1978 as I had too many teeth for my mouth. Even now having had at least three other teeth out in later years, my mouth is overcrowded on one side due to the twisting left after the second crash.

That part of my mouth and jaw was really sore today as the spins have been intense along with the unwinding around the anniversary of my crash for the past 7 days. Never the less having to wear that bloody head brace contraption hurt a lot and I had to wear it for a year, it had a bit that was like a bridle with a head brace that was black.. I want to scream as I think about it but that is useless now.

After therapy I went into town and had lunch feeling a bit overblown and then had a good scout around the shops for tops for my sister. Sadly the photos I took to show her didn’t work out, as for some reason my camera shifted to video so when I went to send them they were too large or too all over the place.. I was in high anxiety by the time my sister returned my call a moment ago. I had to swing past her unit check on the plants and get other tops as well as the letterbox key.. I feel so put upon at times but I help as much as I can despite the overwhelm. She doesn’t seem to get how overwhelmed I get, though.. its hard going at times.

The other fascinating thing I thought of today is that isn’t it interesting that she is getting shock treatment on the anniversary of the first big shock that hit our family in 1979. Kat made the point today that Sue may suffer from some survivor guilt being the only one of 3 female siblings who didn’t get taken down as my older sister and I did in rapid succession in Sept 1979 and February 1980. That must have been a lot for her to contain and the shock of Judith’s embolism actually forced Sue’s labor and interestingly Ryan her first son has the same degrees Sun placement as my sister has for her Sun both opposed by Saturn in Virgo which is an energy of repression or pushing back.. He struggles with his Mum’s ups and downs in the face of my brother in law leaving my sister just over 12 years ago and often becomes the parent to her.

Its good to be home now.. For some reason I always cry as soon as I get home and Jasper runs out to greet me.. I remember how I used to wait all alone at home for Mum to come back from work around 6.30 pm. Dad arrived home around 10 past 5 but never said much apart from hello.. He would walk past me and go up to his room, put his wallet in the cupboard, get changed into gardening clothes and then go outside. I don’t remember us ever connecting much. Dad stayed in the garden until it was time for ‘drinks’ when my Mum got home, that was a ritual like clock work, one or two scotches or a gin and tonic on ice followed by a few glasses of wine at dinner.. How was he to know what a problem it would turn into for me many years later and most especially when Judy was taken down?

I thought today of how I don’t necessarily have to see what is happening to my sister in a negative light.. Maybe this will provide a way for us to come together near to those anniversaries without me habitually withdrawing in line with Uranus and Pluto in the first house. She seemed so grateful today for the time i spent looking at clothing for her.. I told her I feel a bit overwhelmed at times in the absence of support my end but maybe I never knew how to ask for it and I remember all the times she tried to help me and I pushed that help away now.. I see none of us holds the monopoly on the right thing, we both experienced all of the family traumas but in different ways.. a lot of it fell into silence sadly.

I cried a lot in therapy about Mum today.. Mum and I clashed sometimes but we could cry together and talk about things and share the burden of the tough emotional stuff..Today I heard her in therapy asking for forgiveness over my teeth, I told her it wasn’t her fault.. I know she did the best she could with what she had… no one is perfect and Mum had her blindspots and repressions. In later years she tried her best to support me when I struggled in the only way she really knew, i.e. by buying me things or offering financial support..it was hard for her to accept any anger or self assertion and she never blamed her own mother for her abuse or neglect but took it on the chin.

It was also interesting that last week I was drawn into watching the movie Wild Rose where a young woman struggles to express her self through singing. In the movie the mother of the lead character played by Jessie Buckley give her money to pursue her dream to go to Nashville after being upset she wishes in doing so to abandon her children at first..at the end of the movie there is an emotional return as her daughter comes to understand where her heart truly lies. In 2005 Mum gave me the money to go back to the UK after Jonathan left and I had the crash over there. At that time I needed my Mum and I partly regret going.. I didn’t make the break following the head injury.. Maybe it was always my karma to come home and live to start this blog where I share about it.. Who knows? One day I may write my own screen play about it all. I know people often tell us not to get trapped in our ‘stories’ and yet they make us who we are in many ways, depending on our limits of self definition and how well we engage with trauma to move through to embrace life, imperfection and resilience..

Today at the elevator at Mum’s place I thought of how strong she was, I am grateful she passed me down some of that strength… I wish to be weak at times and let others look after me but then I realise my lion self does need to roar.. it just needs to temper that roar at times so it doesn’t scare others away, although the best of friends hear what is hidden inside that roar and always, always answer with love, empathy, understanding and kindness.