A bit of a mess : today’s reflections

I am struggling to hold all the pulls together today.. My sister is constantly on my mind and so is the family disease which often goes under other labels or names.. I just had a long chat with one of my friends from early sobriety who also has as sibling addicted to prescription meds.. her words were “he is a derelict in his own home.” I called her because today I am struggling with how much involvement to have with my sister. I put my hand up to do some stuff for her but today it has changed and its all centered around clothing.. She wants me to go and buy her some new tops but I have been down this road 6 or 7 times before, taking lots of time to go looking, ferrying stuff over there, only to have her turn her nose up at it or tell me it isn’t right..

I don’t usually get headaches but today I have a thumping one and I have been trying to draw heavily on Al Anon principles and see what control I do and do not have.. I have my own life to manage.. I also struggle with Complex PTSD and anxiety, despite this I get up every day and try to function as best I can, to take care of my life and give to others, but it just seems when I put my hand up to help more and more is asked of me each time and I when that happens I may start to feel resentful (even if only for a while) and start to spit chips.

Another friend asked me what my sister would do if I said NO.. My sister is accepting, to be honest I think she is too passive at times and this is part of the problem, she is also willing to defer her power to others that I DONT SEE AS HELPING HER.. My friend from AA asked me if she ever went to any 12 step meetings, the answer is no. When ever I mention alcoholism as part of our long term family history, partially its respected but it doesn’t affect the drinking and she was starting to drink a lot in the weeks before she went under again while also being on medication (though at that time is was being decreased.)

Obviously her choices are up to her but I see the program could help her with her thinking. That said she has her own path to follow and its up to me on each day how involved I become and how much of my own necessary energy I spend on helping her when I dont see her helping herself that much… But then she is probably doing her best, so how can I judge? You can tell from this my thoughts go round and round which is why I got Jasper and I out into nature and the sun earlier. Also the more time I spend alone the more time I can spend either in my head or concentrated on complex body symptoms.. Today the sadness and powerless feelings have manifested in a lot of pain and tears…I feel like I am going to blow apart with the pressure.

I did not promise to visit today, as I did yesterday.. I said I would take a look at the shops for some tops for her when I had time over the next two days and send her some photos.. it might not end up being as hard as I think it may be as a jumper I bought for her during her last stint in hospital came to be one of her favorites during the last 9 month period in which she remained relatively well. She lived in it, despite having rejected it out right at the start.

The worlds cunning, baffling and powerful come to mind about the family disease of long term addiction, trauma and neglect while I am writing this.. I am drawing on prayer, self soothing talk and meditation as well as writing… I have to keep reminding my inner child of the limits of her power to help her older sister whose love she always longed for.. I know my sister loves me, she sent a text of appreciation last night.. I just wish she could step up a bit at the moment to take more pressure off of me.. I feel quiet alone in it… I called my brother for his birthday and father’s day today and he has not a clue about it all. He told me he feels its useless to call her as she has no conversation… that sucks a bit but its understandable too… maybe he is far more realistic about his limits than me, that is how I am seeing it lately…maybe he has far better boundaries.

I am the one who has to reach out, the one who sees the roots, and at times it feels far too much for one soul to bear. As my friend said to me today we know what we did to get sober and stay as healthy and sane as we are, we can only carry a message by example and we cannot say we have the answers for anyone else, only what has worked for us, it might not work for others.. to close the words of the Bhagavad Gita come to me.. “you have power over your actions, but not the fruit of your actions.” and who knows what God’s plan is for my sister, in the end it her life not mine but its hard sometimes to separate myself. Today I must honestly admit I am struggling to do that and feel happy and at peace.