Struggling hard to control the uncontrollable

I had a bit of a wake up call reading some posts on adult children after lunch this afternoon, reflecting on them I thought about how derailed my life became by my older sister’s (the one now dead) addiction and later fall out of mental illness.. I though too of how worried I became to find my living sister was drinking again on top of her meds whilst struggling so hard to control her life, and deal with so much in the aftermath of my Mum’s passing. I thought of the numerous visits I have made to visit both sister’s over the years in one or another facility and how I have defended them at times not realising how painful their behavior was at times for their children.

In one post Lisa shared on the sight Perspective on Trauma, the fear of having children and passing on wounding was mentioned. It is something I struggled with so much to the sad degree that when my husband and I married I terminated a pregnancy due to fear. I always justified it as being too soon to have a child and fearing damaging it or having it be the victim of divorce (which did happen in time) but I know it really hurt my hubby terminating this child and because I am strong minded I didnt give him much choice, I see that now, I was only in very early sobriety (5 months sober) when it happened and I made that decision. I am sure it was right but I do feel sad about it and regret it often.

After my husband finally gave up on me (I never gave up on him, only took time out) he got reconnected with another woman within a year and they eventually had a daughter.. He told Mum his partner was pregnant first and this hurt me, as many years later I found out and they often allied against me but maybe it was more out of a protective thing than a nasty attempt to shut me out, considering it all now… Mum was shocked when I took 6 months out and left my husband all alone at a critical time, going back to the UK alone to continue therapy.

I cried so much when I finally heard the news and it was only then Mum told me she knew, my then partner berated me for crying telling me “why aren’t you happy for them? You SHOULD BE! are you jealous or something?”.. Far out it went so much deeper than that… this is only one of the many cruel and heartless things said to me over the painful 4 years of our on again off again relationship.

I’ve been crying so many tears over my ex hubby over the past 24 hours.. Reconnecting brings back the part I played in things but I need to remember he is the one who decided to walk away and gave up on me.. its okay I understand why but God it hurt, in many ways I am still not over the leaving of me which sent me into the darkness but just probably awakened all the necessary grief over abandonment after abandonment suffered at the hearts of men who could never truly see into me as well as all the hidden complexity of my relationship with a very emotionally distant father.. So why am I blaming myself?

I was just a young woman struggling with so much… did I deserve to be left, to be misjudged, to be sent to Coventry but yes, it happened and it brought me so low and now I see my other sister in that place too and struggling so I struggle too to find someway to control what I can not and never will be able to..

And yet I can also front up and talk about it all and be honest, maybe that is more important in the long run than vying to control, even though assuming I had responsibility for so much that was and always will be JUST SO VERY FAR OUTSIDE OF MY OWN CONTROL is yet another mistaken or deluded way of trying to say I DID HAVE CONTROL.. Defining what it is that I do and do not have control over at times is hard and yes I do have the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change

The things I can

And the wisdom

To know the difference