Are things as they seem?

There is a saying that God moves in mysterious ways.. Sometimes I wonder if another’s suffering may be a healing for us or vice versa, not in the sense of wanting someone to suffer but in the sense that it opens our hearts to them or to deeper mysteries, realisations, insights or healing of our own.. It is something I think about with regards to the great darkness I witnessed in my own family. As the youngest watching so much play out I learned what not to do.

At other times I get to the point where I see that certain choices seem to be creating or generating pain or suffering for a person or for someone they know or love. Lately it strikes me how deeply inter-connected we are especially as I struggle not to be swept up totally into a loved one’s depression.

That said our thoughts have great power. In her book on anxiety 30 Days 30 Ways to Overcome Anxiety, Bev Aisbett writes that thinking and thoughts do generate emotions. For myself it may be easier to be pulled into sadness or other emotions when a sad song comes on and I begin to think of things from time past. It is something that just overcomes me this great sadness over the past.. lately I seem to be feeling it for all of my family. I am also acknowledging the darker deeper anti life side of depression that has seemed to exert such a powerful hold on both myself and my two sisters.

I also am beginning to realise that the people I surround myself have a huge impact on my mood, positive people uplift me, they can cope with sadness and not get mired in it; they can gaze on misfortune and see some kind of benefit or lesson; they can stay open to listening, being present and learning while offering their own contribution and staying grounded in their own reality. Positive life affirming people know what to do to turn things around to find some light and joy while not denying the painful or sad parts of life, as often happens with those who harbor a defensive kind of positivity that will countenance nothing of darkness and does not acknowledge the deeper realities, complexities, paradoxes or painful parts of life..

Today, waking up to know that I had therapy made the day brighter than yesterday… Knowing that Simon would be coming around to walk Jasper and that Jasper would be vocal in expressing his enthusiasm and love made my day feel lighter too, the sun was out, so that helped. And I must say in the depths of the upset, confusion and shock of knowing my sister was back in hospital just having my nephew and another family friend reach out to me meant a great deal…

Today while standing waiting for my coffee in the local deli a lovely older lady who goes there reached out to me to pay me a compliment. I loved older people and she was so full of love and grace, that also gave my day a lift… The truth is we live in a world with others and you never know what a kind thought or even a smile, or other random act of kindness, like opening the door for someone might mean to them.

Lately it has been striking me as so painfully sad was my isolation from others, often by choice even well into my sobriety, however as Kat reminded me today that was a necessary thing and bore witness not only to my own lonely childhood, but that of both my parents as well. This isolation is something that happened to both my sisters although during her years in the home for people with acquired brain injury my older sister had lots of love and support from a group of ladies from the nearby Anglican church, that said so much of Judy’s past went unspoken and untreated, just as is now happening with my other sister.

In writing this I do acknowledge that solitude is different to isolation and is a very necessary part of coming to know and make friends with our inner self and past life.. In a state of solitude we connect deeply to our own soul. In isolation I believe we are not fully connected to our soul at all and thus, in that state we can feel a great deal of emptiness. Carl Jung said that loneliness is only lonely when we have no one to see into our true self and heart. Sharing with Kat about the sadness I felt for my sister today in therapy I saw it related to her longing to be loved, cherished, cared for and accepted as well as embraced and love unconditionally and that possibly like me this latest episode of depression is somehow related to that.

I was sharing with Kat today about how her husband often bullied her and laughed at her expense not acknowledging the forces of anxiety, insecurity and fear as well as perfectionism that drove her from my Mum’s heritage. We all have a difficulty with self love as well as relaxing and not overdoing it as a result. It is something I have to watch for every day in my own life.

I know I keep sharing mostly about my sister in my blog lately, this is because as her only sibling here I do feel a sense of responsibility for her. A lot of therapy today also focused on the fact that I need to remain realistic about the limits of my power to help… I had a thought today I better not do a nice thing for myself due to the fact my sister is suffering right now.. I know this is disordered thinking and it will only bring me down, it most certainly wont help my sister. I cried a lot realising that I harbor a belief that I don’t feel its okay to be happy unless those I love are. Self sacrifice will help no one and its only when I feel full up with self love that I really have anything constructive at all to give to my sister.

I have just been giving my sis lots of hugs when I see her… that is more important than talking and talking.. I must confess to being swept back in over the past 48 hours into a very dark place again with all of this…But today I felt a shift through… I am managing to hold onto some sense of sun and hope and joy and light and fun today, amidst sadder moments.. Even if I just put on a song I love, or make myself something nice to eat, take some time out to be in nature or read a good book, take care of some household things that will make life smoother or fresher, then those are things that may help me when my mood starts to spiral to the more negative pole. Allowing myself to cry when I feel sad, or rage if I feel rage and then putting those feelings down helps. Lately I am realising that feelings do pass in time, the current challenges with my sister will pass one day, for now I just need to maintain forbearance and keep making sure I keep on moving forward, opening to embrace life and embrace the necessary lessons from these ongoing challenges while praying and handing over when I get close to my limit of coping.