Sometimes I can’t not cry

Another waterfall this afternoon, its just impossible to stop the tears falling and my body hurt the whole way home again after seeing my sister at the hospital.. At least I didn’t cry for the whole visit but seeing how she reacted to being told after she asked when we thought things had started to tip towards the pole of her being unable to cope alone and start to get off balance it came up that on the night of the dinner she made for her old friend Glen, she was unsteady on her feet. After telling her that she began to look so dejected and was very quiet… After her good friend left she started asking a lot of questions after which she said to me “I hope I didn’t make a fool of myself.” This just broke my heart.. She put that dinner on out of the goodness of her heart a few weeks ago so that I could get to see Glen once again.

I felt so terrible for even mentioning it when I felt the depth of her reaction and it really made me feel so sad. My sister is a good person, she always tries to connect people, even when we ended up having that run in at the coast back in 2005 she was trying to get us all up and out and connected with the neighbours. I found it intrusive as it wasn’t what I needed at the time, as I was far too raw after Jonathan leaving and in a lot of grief, but she did that out of the goodness of her heart and when she saw me rejecting her efforts she didn’t understand and got a bit combatative with me and then nasty.

I hate seeing my sister suffer but I know while writing this I need to accept where she is right now.. When I find myself now reaching as much as I can for a sense of fun, joy and happiness its hard to see my sister with none of these emotions available to her and I guess the long drive home in pouring rain to my live alone house just brings up feelings of being so alone and of isolation again… That said a lovely comment on my recent post really uplifted me.. The person would not know that before reading their comment I was still crying and just that little touch of positive connection made my afternoon brighter.

I know these feelings of sadness will pass again.. There is a lot to be grateful for, that my sister has the love of her family as well as the support of other friends so all is not lost… I think maybe Saturdays are difficult as those are the days that we used to see something of Mum too and driving home probably always reminds me of driving home after visiting Judy over that side of town too over all of those times she lived in the care home. I have a longing for family and its just part of who I am…I love being connected and staying connected now… I am grateful that Jasper was there to greet me when I finally arrived home too, at times he seems perplexed by all of the tears but just being able to pet his soft fur and look into those beautiful eyes so full of love heals me on some level, it makes the emotions flow out of me even stronger. And as I wept so deeply my higher power told me its a good thing and a sign of empathy.. As my therapist Kat said to me on Thursday. “it is good that you are allowing yourself to feel love for your sister again.” I’d rather be feeling than be feeling numb.