Maybe sometimes I cry when it is really anger I should be expressing. It is something that came up in therapy today after Kat and I went over the cruel treatment I received at the hands of my first partner Jim. He dumped me twice, the first time a few days after Dad died, telling me to put the kybosh on plans we had made for over 2 years to meet up overseas, something I had been working towards with two jobs for a long time.
After Dad passed, Mum forced me to go overseas anyway on my own and after living and working in London for some time, I met up with him ‘by chance’ in Athens and we started sleeping together again. But one night he went out alone and when I came back to the room we were sharing (I had met up with other friends who miraculously appeared on the same Greek island that afternoon) he was with another woman and when I got upset about it he told me I was a ‘demented bitch’. This didn’t win him many friends on the island…
Kat said to me today.. .”You never express any anger over Jim’s treatment of you, I wonder why that is?” I thought about it and said “well may be I felt like I deserved it as I was shy and not as sexually experienced as the woman he ended up with, he had a habit of always making me feel I was less than!” Even writing this now I feel sick to the stomach rather than angry which makes me wonder why I have spasms and ‘attacks’ so often.. Could it possibly be that I have to sit on my anger or repress it?
I end up often expressing that anger with other people, they get to feel the brunt of rage over things I wasn’t allowed to feel upset over.. I also end up making excuses for the people who treat me less than well and suck up shit, such as I did at the hands of my sister and her family in February this year.. Addicts seem doomed to be the one’s looked down on as ‘less than’, out seemingly ‘out of control’ behavior hides the truth of deeper injuries we suffered at the hands of others.
For myself now I seem to be making steps to move away from sadness and embrace joy, fun, laughter and happiness. I am no longer as drawn to suffering though I can recognise suffering of others is a magnet for me as I have had so much of it in my own life, along with frustration and blocks both inner and outer on living in touch with life and my true deep messy self.
The inner critic is being revealed to be what he or she is.. A fucking kill joy at times that tries to reign me in and squelch my impulses… I recognise just how much I suffered from self abnegation and a sense of being less than to the extent that a lot of my gold seems to live deep in my shadow..
Truth is how Jim and other men treated me still lives in the past but my body experienced all of this and its still there.. what happens to the body stays in the body because the body is the holder of the unconscious.. part of me feels its useless to be angry with Jim now, he is what I attracted as a survivor of childhood emotional neglect and its too late now to rewrite history.. So I must choose to move forward with full knowledge of the past recognising the painful impact of the way he treated me….while knowing that in present time I would never again have to repeat that pattern with someone as I grow in self knowledge and respect as well as understanding of why it was often so much easier for me as a woman to have my tears instead of my anger.
Emerging From The Dark Night 
YOU.should NOT feel that you deserve any treament like that .what a DISGRACE HE WAS ..
as or you not being a Sexually exsperienced LADY he should been more Understanding and there
for YOU ..it HELPS a great great deal too have a GOOD CRY .RUNNY SNOTTY NOSE ..well done
for talking about it .YOU should have Slapped his Face
mark, x
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Aww
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I would have been in big trouble for that but you are probably right Mark..thank you 💛♥️💚
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this monday afternoon i got telephone/hospital appointment
so looking forward too this ,WITH THE AMOUNT OF PAIN I AM IN
MARK,X
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Wishing you an easing of that pain Mark. Xo
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how are you feeling.REALLY
mark,x
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Sad today and quiet tired bearinf everything alone and with my sister in a dark place it’s been a real effort to push myself out to walk Jasper after 3 days of heavy rain.🌧🌧🌧
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YOU are very Aware. i am very aware ,.it helps a great great deal too sit down have a very very
good Cry Runny SNOTTY NOSE .it HELPED ME THIS MORNING BECAUSE PAIN I AM IN
could even see in the mirror i was having very good cry .down my cheeks over my lips.I FELT
SO MUCH VERY BETTER
Mark,XX
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That’s good crying relieves the build up of pressure and all the sadness you feel from all that pain and unfairness in the past that still.lives on.💜
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TALKING ABOUT ..YOU ..AS WELL
YOUR SISTER WOULD NOT WANT YOU TOO GET TOOO EFFECTED /UPSET
mark.xx
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Ive been less emotional this time and sometimes it’s not about what makes the other person comfortable.
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how are you ,REALLY .
yesterday it was thundering and lightening HERE ..this is very BAD for my Bladder And Bowel
Problems even more so with NO Control
mark,x
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Well when nature lets it rip as part of nature we feel it and with trauma it is hard anyway and so made harder.. things being so far out of control sadly feels the way of things lately..
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how are you .REALLY
mark,X
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Sometimes, we’re, just, socialized, to not express our, angers, because as it comes out, everything gets, destroyed, and, we feel we are, to blame, if we let our angers, loose, so we cover it up, and it’s, just, not good for the long run…
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❤
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Women are expected to repress their feelings Esp anger in many cultures and when they start expressing immediately they are labeled as crazy or difficult.
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Exactly Tanya. I just heard on th e philosophy program today that Aristotle though women only had value as baby incubators…the feminine has been so disparaged and devalued. Strong feisty women get a bad rap.
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I’ve had cases when I had expressed anguish and immediately I’ve been labeled as emotionally immature. It’s the fear of being labeled as crazy in many cultures women stay quiet and eat up their feelings.
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So so true …I saw this in my older sister most clearly…people labelled her instead of doing the work to enter her emotional reality…we are a feeling wounded culture and women as containers of deep emotion are so often shut down…and pathologised.
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Out of the limited experience I’ve, i realised that one thing that can help women to express themselves better, is the environment of universal sisterhood. It’s difficult to express emotions and feelings even with the best of men out there. I’ve never been able to open up fully with men, not even to the best ones. There is always this fear of being judged either as crazy or weak. On the contrary I find it easier to express with women.
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This deserves a post of itself Tanya. Been through EXACTLY the same as so many women have…it’s one if the reasons my husband jumped ship..But the interesting this is he recently acknowledged he had been in the wrong that took 16 years. So we just have to be strong authentic and true to our selves…many hugs
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