When sadness brings revelation

I wrote this yesterday there is a shift going on for me lately away from suffering and darkness. Am working it all through in this post :

My entire body is sore today and I am back in exhaustion and sadness… maybe its a final shedding coming out of the past months of eclipses and retrograde or because transiting Sun is in the 12th house of my chart right now and that represents a month of digesting lessons of the past year in the light of retrospect.

I went for a massage yesterday and I was shocked to realise its over 4 years since I treated myself to a massage and that I have given away half of my savings on a promise of love.. how could I let it happen? I see how I stopped giving to me, I’ve been really crying from deep deep down in my soul today for the lost girl who felt so unmothered and unfathered, who always lacked boundaries, who had little idea of her value or how to hold herself through trauma and was always open to and vulnerable to any kind of attention even that which was not healthy for her.

I am too deeply vulnerable to be a heroic figure, though I soldiered on through helping my family, it was hard to feel any warmth…and the person i kept giving it to is still promising I will get it all back when he gets free, other people deny this so I only talk to my sister and therapist about it now.. I know my sister wont judge me, only support me and its lovely to think that we are closer now and that she is so well, as earlier in the week I was reading back some posts written in May 2018 when I visited her in the psychiatric care unit and she said she no longer wished to be alive because she was exhausted by living.. I feel a bit like that today but the difference is I DO WANT TO BE ALIVE..i JUST FEEL VERY EXHAUSTED BY IT ALL TODAY..

Possibly the massage opened my body up because it started with gentle pressure on my back and the back of my body.. it was such a beautiful experience to just lie in that darkened room and receive the love and warmth of those hands on my body….Why the hell have I not been giving this kind of gift to myself in the midst of even my cancer therapy I do not know.

In the midst of this I summoned up the energy to get to my therapy appointment and on the way driving there I felt the shift in my energy. I had one of my spiral/spins at the start where my body goes though massive contortions, Kat always just lets these play out… I read two of my posts on abuse and cried a lot through the one about malignant narcissists.

Its a harsh thing to face how hard this world can be at times… and that its not a sign of deficiency or a defect if we feel the need to protect ourselves or weep over all of this pain. I just wish I knew how precious I was many many years ago. I would not have gotten myself in half the trouble I did, were my self esteem better and my sense of self healthier..

Now at times I cry for all I have been through and these are healing tears as they show me I need, most of all, tenderness from myself to my self.. I really felt my inner child today expressing her upset at the all the ways I abandoned her to be close to people…. I see it all much more clearly now at 58 years of age. I also see what a very good heart I have as well as how torn to shreds by a savage inner critic and tormentor or silent ‘killer’ I have been at times.

I feel grateful for the support from this community, especially those who are not afraid to say it like it is and expose their darker side.. For me I cannot always live in the darkness though I do agree with a quote of Jung’s I posted late last week on how much beauty there is in the dark night sky and what a refuge darkness can be when we are breaking open and healing.. My favorite time of day is dusk especially those few moments I relishing right now where the darkness is not yet complete but there are still tinges or hues of light lingering.. I know now that darkness and light are just alternations of the one reality…

I don’t enjoy the savagery of emotional or physical violence and yet I know even birth is quite a violent process for the mother, at times we go through violence of all kinds, the harshest for the sensitive among us is emotional violence. For me I have to be aware when that kind of subtle violence is turned against myself and also when people use it under a cloak of deception or mirage, trying to cut me down for not following their particularly selfish agenda.. It is taking me a long time to trust my gut on this stuff… and my development is still very much a work in progress. Wising up is taking time and a lot of shattering of illusions along the way. Much as it hurts I always feel more clear and strong and grounded once those illusion shatter.