Finding ourselves

Sad to say a self can be lost or misplaced… Its a strange turn of phrase but thinking about it, it happens to some of us as we attempt to grow and blossom and negotiate this world full of other humans with agendas for us and our lives.. I did a v log the other day but my phone isn’t allowing my videos to upload, I was down at the lake immersed in nature just feeling it ‘breathing’ all around me and I was talking of a follower who suggested I get tested for Aspergers.. I am sorry to those who find diagnosis helpful but to me I don’t find them all that helpful and I wish we lived in a world that left others free to explore and become their real selves..I went on to talk about the feminine deprived homes in which we are raised not to be ourselves but to follow perfectionist agendas that may come out of our parents unresolved issues.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about abusive parents. About the terrible things parents can make us come to believe about ourselves, that said the anger and frustration shows where being cut off or cut down to size rankles us.. In fact in therapy the other day I saw the image of an angry man with a scythe cutting down a field of tall poppies.. its how it felt so often growing up, for one thing I was teased for being ‘too tall’, ‘too thin’. ‘too sensitive’ or what ever. Mocking and disparaging is something very endemic to the ‘Aussie’ culture I grew up in and I am glad in a way I was raised in a more European household although mocking was used there too. I can see some of the gifts of my upbringing now as well as all of the challenges, I got so caught up in the family trauma I never really got to develop and reaching for alcohol made things so much harder but underneath all of that it was really my sense of self and self esteem that was the problem.

Slowly I am trying to find that self in therapy.. things that anger me show me where the true self lives and that fact that my anger was not allowed shows why I got lost, as my therapist often says, anger is the final cry of the True Self. Its different getting angry about what we must change.. I watched a very informative video by Richard Grannon this week on the narcissist/co-dependent relationship in which he explained how both suffer from narcissisitic issues, with the co-dependent running around this way and that trying to provide ‘supply’ for the narcissist while neglecting to focus on their own needs and engaging in a lot of fawning to deflect attacks. He explains how the co-dependent becomes a willing sacrificial scapegoat for all the things the narcissist throws at them… and how the healing only comes from the co-dependent finding their own needs and power which so often had to be denied… And we get conditioned into this by trying to win the unavailable love of the parents or siblings who often did not see us at all, a bit like looking in all hall of opaque mirrors for our missing reflection.

Venus is moving direct more quickly now, is spent a week so on 5 degrees of Gemini when it began to move forward on 25 June…Venus symbol is the hand mirror.. relationships and ‘love’ affection, esteem and attention are all ruled by Venus. In the end self value rests on knowing ourselves realistically and humbly…but also being able to own where and how we can and do have the power to shine, not merely living on the reflected light of others.. healing from narcissistic deprivation takes some time.. many of us get lost in so many relationships as we attempt to live, for myself the last painful one was now, I see, in many ways a blessing in disguise… he represented apart of my shadow with his strong Sun Mars conjunction, two of the men in my life now have Sun Mars conjunctions and mirror to me how it is to go after what you want but sometimes trounce on others in the process.

In the end as adults its up to us find and champion ourselves…the wounds of narcissism can leave us drowning in ‘victimhood’ and martyrdom for a long time, hopefully in time the pain serves as a source of awakening sounding the clarion call of our own true self and spirit that needs to find a way to live, building a present and future life no longer so immolated in the flames of our unconscious conditioning.