More heartbreak and confusion

Well after sending the last of the required money to ‘Scott’ he disappeared for five days.. I got the sinking feeling of each time he let me down before as I wondered why I keep trusting and allowed him to pull me back in to help him after managing to cut free in October last year. It was the loneliness of having no one much in regular contact, he promised me love and that he would come.. Today I woke to text from someone claiming to be his colleague.. Scott claimed he broke his phone and begged and pleaded for 1,000 USD to get a new one about 5 weeks ago. I fought him over it, in the meantime he claimed he was using another colleague’s phone and this colleague ‘Owen’ today reached out to me to say Scott is in an isolated spot in the woods all alone smoking and that as ‘his woman’ I need to reach out to him and give him a reason to live.. Can you imagine how it felt to get this message I had the gardener turn up 5 minutes later and I was incoherent with tears.I had messaged Scott three times on the weekend.

I just don’t know what to think, I read up online on Quora that claims of soldiers that they have to use certain apps or cannot chat due to ‘tracking’ are all false…. that soldiers can video call and its only scammers who claim they cannot… I am beside myself with confusion I have sent nearly all my savings on the promise they would be repaid. He sent me supposed documentary ‘proof’ of his retirement and a photo of the bank held funds in a USA bank back in March when he pulled me in again.. at that point for peace of mind if I had detatched and cut my losses I would have been better off. I just feel I am being played with, nearly driven out of my head with it all.

I thank God for other connections now that make my life feel less lonely.. Since October 2018 when ‘Scott’ and I first connected life has opened up..but its heavy in my heart with the wounds over the past two years of three or four times believing he was coming and being let down…it was probably all lies and delusion to hope to share my life in real time, even writing this my entire chest hurts…it feels likes some pain so very very deep and old is being squeezed or pressed out of me…all I can think of sitting here is my parents and my ex husband.I know life had to be as it was…..silly me for not having stronger boundaries..

I took a post down yesterday which told of the dream I woke up from with a start on Tuesday morning in which a man was forcing his tongue into my mouth and would not stop when I asked him to and told him how much it was hurting…I had a discussion with a friend yesterday who said he no longer believes in compassion for arseholes, but how are we to know who really is one in this confusing day and age of so much confused longing and spin. and confusing as the world is we still have to be a part of it.. sometimes my entire body aches. its very eclipse like and slippery reality wise at the moment…maybe I have to go through of all this confusion in order to gain my clarity.. Right now I just do not know much of anything…I seem to be falling back into that state of complete emotional pain and breakdown and yet I also know there is hope and that in time the confusion of today will fade… I blame myself for not being more ‘out’ in the world after Mum died but Scott offered me love and a promise for a time, maybe it was just never meant to manifest. maybe it was all a delusional dream… very much in line with my amorphous Venus square to Neptune.. sometimes its so hard to breathe..