Safe in the world : no apologies

I didn’t feel safe in the world, free to be and express, able to cope, able to find solutions. I did not feel I had the power, too much happening around me to feel anything but a victim running with no solid ground beneath my feet and time after time the rug was torn away, there was no were to go, I spun through space, an errant satellite.. I have not known the comfort of arms around me. A warm embrace, I have had by body torn to pieces from a young age, teeth torn out and body and parts of me lacerated… I have a video I did earlier this morning when I was in the raw waking state.. It is me stripped back, I haven’t found the courage to post it yet but I hope to one day. Nevertheless I judge myself mercilessly for not doing better and it makes me cry.. I didn’t have the support and I never felt safe but I am starting to. I am beginning to realise I don’t need ‘permission’ to be or express any more, the fear of excommunication is fading a little, but its still there as a ghost in the shadows.. I hope in time to grow in courage to be me as I really am with no apologies. I thank God never the less who encourage to be who I am, while growing at the same time into the person God always wanted me to be.